KQRBNP

11/20/2008 1:01 pm

Quoting scipii:

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hi..KQ

i agree whole heartedly about your point of view about knowing one's past can only help others get to know that person better from different perspective.(i'm not arguing just for the sake of it...i'm a "seeker of truth" ).thanks for not bombarding me..and i am glad that our view does not differ too much in this .....

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Hi Scipii,

Bonbarding you? Why? Don't see the reason that I should do that. Oh, well, maybe I am just not that kind of person.

Wish you well in whatever situation you are in now.

scipii

Ask me for a photo

1242 posts

11/20/2008 3:49 am

Quoting KQRBNP:

---

ladies generally are more...errr.."inquisitive"....

How about this? Probably, only probably, there are more women who would like to know more about past than men.

Speaking about rational, I would not consider it rational if one assumes that knowing the past would help smoothing the road ahead. To me, knowing something about one's past can only help others get to know that person better from different perspectives, and they would know where the relationships would go.

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KQRBNP

11/19/2008 4:00 pm

Quoting scipii:

---

hi..KQ

i pay special attention to this topic bcos this is something very relevant to my own situation right now.yes your were right, everyone seemed to have taken "the past" refer to past romantic relationship.(how funny...when one commemt started dwelling into it all the rest follow suit....now you mention it and i read your original post...the past does not necessary refer to past relationship..

from my little survey, seems like ladies generally are more...errr.."inquisitive"...(some even insist upon knowing every-single-details...which is frown upon by our wise man bro DVC(whom i greatly respect and tend to agree with him on this)

if i may add to the argument or defence of camp no2.(which seemed more rational)...ÊÀÊÂÈçÆå¾Ö¾ÖÐÂ.no two relationship are on the same settings and same sets of challenges.to assume that knowing the past will help to "smoothing" the road ahead could be a bit of a wishful thinking...what if that leads to openning the pandora's box..
(ŪÇÉ·´–Ã)..

---

scipii

Ask me for a photo

1242 posts

11/19/2008 2:23 pm

Quoting KQRBNP:

---

Scipii,

How delightful to know that you not only follow my writings but also dig in to read some old posts and find it relevent and interesting!

My pleasure and appreciation for you to take time to read all comments! You know, this is the process of knowing the past.

May I ask you what was in your mind about the word past when you first read my original post? Were you immediately thinking that it referred to past romantic relationships? From what I see from everyone's comment, seemed that's what was in people's mind even you could distingush them into two groups. Then, does that all one's past has?

Once, the guy whome I am speaking with told me that what some of his friends said about him, something not so positive, in my point of view. So, I wondered if it's true. If it's true, then why am I attracted to such kind of person? If not true, then why his friends said so? By chatting with him about his childhood, his relationship with his parents when he was young, the things he used to do, the contacts he has had, and such such....... I figured out why his friends said so. To me, knowing some of his past helps me to know how and what has shaped him.

Basically, I'd go with truelover and Goan on this -- depending upon the person, the situation, and where the relationship stands.

---

KQRBNP

11/19/2008 12:58 pm

Quoting scipii:

---

hi..KQ

i just discovered you posted one of the most interesting and relevent topic(when you did it, i was in Asia FriendFinder "hibernation")

i read very carefully of all the comments from all sides in your blog and i must say i find out very "delighting" findings.

well i sort of classified the comments into 2 camps(1)pro towards knowing the past(2)pro towards not knowing the past.

my view?...pro towards not knowing the past.(i'm a great lover of history, but not my love ones history...)

let see...2 guys and 6 ladies pro towards knowing the past.(yong,gotofuture,yourself,tulip,milly,yaqi,zhuli...maybe even sayu)

7 guys(me inclucive)...(if you count truelover and goan..it would take the tally to 9 !!) namely..dxcxz,jpollock,meilejia,cgy,dvc,manhan,scipii+3 ladies..yeye,fangmeil,mayfromnow....wow...a stronger camp!!..

to be continue.....

---

Scipii,

How delightful to know that you not only follow my writings but also dig in to read some old posts and find it relevent and interesting!

My pleasure and appreciation for you to take time to read all comments! You know, this is the process of knowing the past.

May I ask you what was in your mind about the word past when you first read my original post? Were you immediately thinking that it referred to past romantic relationships? From what I see from everyone's comment, seemed that's what was in people's mind even you could distingush them into two groups. Then, does that all one's past has?

Once, the guy whome I am speaking with told me that what some of his friends said about him, something not so positive, in my point of view. So, I wondered if it's true. If it's true, then why am I attracted to such kind of person? If not true, then why his friends said so? By chatting with him about his childhood, his relationship with his parents when he was young, the things he used to do, the contacts he has had, and such such....... I figured out why his friends said so. To me, knowing some of his past helps me to know how and what has shaped him.

Basically, I'd go with truelover and Goan on this -- depending upon the person, the situation, and where the relationship stands.

scipii

Ask me for a photo

1242 posts

11/19/2008 7:57 am

KQRBNP

11/11/2008 3:43 pm

Quoting chupo3:

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I think it is only normal for a person to be interested in their partners life experiences. After time spent with the ones you care about, you can begin to feel more comfortable and share your feelings and this will happen naturally when you tust them more over time. never tell anyone anything that they can use to hurt you or influence you in the negative.

---

chupo3

Ask me for a photo

11/11/2008 11:26 am

KQRBNP

11/5/2008 5:57 pm

Quoting manhan1:

---

»¹Ìý˵£»¡®ËûÈË×ÔÔ¸½²ÊöµÄ»á±È±»Ñ¯ÎʳöÀ´µÄÒªºÃÒ»µãµã¡¯

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---

ÔÙ¾ÍÊÇÁ˽âÀúÊ·Ê×ÏÈÒª¾ß±¸Ò»¿Å¾Þ´ó¾Þ´ÈµÄÐÄ

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manhan1

Ask me for a photo

11/5/2008 3:01 pm

Quoting KQRBNP:

---

Ò²Ìý˵£¬¡°Á˽âÀúÊ·µÄÈËÖªµÀÔõÑù²ÅÄܸüºÃµØÏòÇ°¡£¡±

---

KQRBNP

11/5/2008 10:36 am

Quoting manhan1:

---

Ìý˵£»¡®ÈÃÏÖÔÚ¸æËßδÀ´¡¯»á±ÈÁ˽â×òÒ¹¹²ÓÐÒæ´¦¡£

---

KQRBNP

11/5/2008 10:33 am

Quoting yonganzl:

---

KQRBNP,
I think you're right that it all depends.

When I was interviewed, one common question was why I left my ex-company.

Some monthes ago, a woman asked me whether I had a girl friend before and why we broke up. I've never asked a woman about her former relationships. I consider it private. They told me proactively, that's ok.

---

Just like we all have history courses in schools. Not our own history, but other countries.

manhan1

Ask me for a photo

11/4/2008 7:56 pm

yonganzl

11/4/2008 1:00 am

KQRBNP

11/3/2008 5:52 pm

Quoting yonganzl:

---

KQRBNP,
It's probably because Sayu doesn't really know men. But I don' know women either. I find Goan's comment relevant.

Maybe we can reveal our past to our lovers selectively. I think it's inevitable that everyone wants to know his lover's past. At the same time, everyone will reveal his or her past more or less. But if you think revealing your past may harm your relationship, you can choose to hide it. It's a matter of choice. It depends on your experience, knowledge, wisdom and so on. If your lover asks your past but you don't want to say. He may get more curious and suspicious. It can also harm your relationship. Then you're between the devil and the deep sea. What will you do then? Telling a lie?

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KQRBNP

11/3/2008 5:46 pm

Quoting goannaoil:

---

KQ, I think you may find that men, in general, are less inclined to talk about what they consider to be trivia. I am not saying it is trivia but it is seen that way by many. You may find that women are much the same in that they tend to talk less about the same kinds of things that men do, their intersts generally being different.

Another generalisation - men tend to look outside the cave, women tend to look to the inside. I suppose it's an evolutionary survival trait.

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KQRBNP

11/3/2008 5:27 pm

Quoting davinci2rinpoche:

---

As far as I remember, you're always clear, KQ, which makes it a pleasure to talk with you.

"Have you never compared your new gf with old ones?"

I swear I have never done so, as far as I remember, and as conscious as I may be of my behaviours and reactions. To me, the past is past, there's nothing to be regretted about it. If you do, it simply means that you are not ripe for a new relationship. As, I think Nohea's motto goes, we should only be happy that something good and enjoyable happened once, and when it's over it's over: no regret, no sorrow, no remorse. My Stoic school of philosophy has it that one must not worry about things we have no control over. Typically, we have no control over the past.

As you know, dear KQ, power lies in information. Nowadays, powerful people are not the ones with big muscles, not even with smart brains, but the ones who KNOW what there is to know at a given moment. Be it illegal insider's info used to one's own profit, or lawful info gained by work and research.

Now, suppose that you tell your new lover that your ex used to find fault with, say (to take a non-sensitive detail), the way you spice chicken. He might be tempted to make an ally of your ex when criticizing the way you spice chicken... Oh, I know, a funny if not silly example, but I trust you will think of much more sensitive data that can be used against you. So that's fine in the beginning, when you think you can reveal everything as proof of your love and confidence, but are you sure you will never regret it?

Now, of course, you may reveal everything you want which does not involve ex-partners, because, whether you want it or not, the new one will find at some point that he is in a kind of competition with the former ones.

What I call a lack of respect is any insistence on wanting to know, on trying to force the other to say very private things. The desire to "reveal" things must come from the person themselves, and must not be exacted, not even asked for.

Oh, one more private experience (I'm afraid I tell private things to you only ). Once my US girlfriend (I was 26) told me she had a threesome, and asked me whether I would be interested. It happened I was not. If she had asked me without mentioning she had already done it, it would have been OK. The fact that I knew she had done it was a damage to the relationship. That was one "revelation" too many, although, after all, what was it but a proof of confidence?...

---

KQRBNP

11/3/2008 5:14 pm

Quoting davinci2rinpoche:

---

As far as I remember, you're always clear, KQ, which makes it a pleasure to talk with you.

"Have you never compared your new gf with old ones?"

I swear I have never done so, as far as I remember, and as conscious as I may be of my behaviours and reactions. To me, the past is past, there's nothing to be regretted about it. If you do, it simply means that you are not ripe for a new relationship. As, I think Nohea's motto goes, we should only be happy that something good and enjoyable happened once, and when it's over it's over: no regret, no sorrow, no remorse. My Stoic school of philosophy has it that one must not worry about things we have no control over. Typically, we have no control over the past.

As you know, dear KQ, power lies in information. Nowadays, powerful people are not the ones with big muscles, not even with smart brains, but the ones who KNOW what there is to know at a given moment. Be it illegal insider's info used to one's own profit, or lawful info gained by work and research.

Now, suppose that you tell your new lover that your ex used to find fault with, say (to take a non-sensitive detail), the way you spice chicken. He might be tempted to make an ally of your ex when criticizing the way you spice chicken... Oh, I know, a funny if not silly example, but I trust you will think of much more sensitive data that can be used against you. So that's fine in the beginning, when you think you can reveal everything as proof of your love and confidence, but are you sure you will never regret it?

Now, of course, you may reveal everything you want which does not involve ex-partners, because, whether you want it or not, the new one will find at some point that he is in a kind of competition with the former ones.

What I call a lack of respect is any insistence on wanting to know, on trying to force the other to say very private things. The desire to "reveal" things must come from the person themselves, and must not be exacted, not even asked for.

Oh, one more private experience (I'm afraid I tell private things to you only ). Once my US girlfriend (I was 26) told me she had a threesome, and asked me whether I would be interested. It happened I was not. If she had asked me without mentioning she had already done it, it would have been OK. The fact that I knew she had done it was a damage to the relationship. That was one "revelation" too many, although, after all, what was it but a proof of confidence?...

---

yonganzl

10/31/2008 8:46 pm

goannaoil

Ask me for a photo

3787 posts

10/31/2008 2:33 pm

Quoting KQRBNP:

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Sayu, though I don't know if and why man is more reluctant to share their past, I do believe they think differently from women in love affaires. Reminds me a post I read some time ago The difference between men and women, which shows how different between man and woman.

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davinci2rinpoche

10/31/2008 2:08 pm

KQRBNP

10/31/2008 12:15 pm

Quoting sayhelltouu:

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KQ,

I read your comments on mine and people's , I knew you are the one who is capable of clever enough to talk with people when you want to know more about their past . i trust your experience you told me . I share your ideas about knowing people's history is important reference for us to know people's personalities or qualities better .

But ,what i was curious about is that , by reading here or somewhere else , it seemed to me that as if man is more reluctant to share their past than women did ? then i suspected that man seemed have different mind-set from women ? and it does not relate to their dishonest or don't care their women ?

Some cases i learnt -- man complain their woman " so boring , i don't konw why so much questions women want to ask , sound like they are Ê®Íò¸öΪʲô .." they don't seem like to be asked so much ,or perhaps , they think bygone was bygone ,just let go ,is there any meaning mention it again ?

I just believe man is different from women in love affairs . we women should be careful to avoid don't do thing with our way based on our mind-set . but acting according the circumstance ? what idea do you have about this ?

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KQRBNP

10/31/2008 12:03 pm

Quoting yonganzl:

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KQRBNP,
I'm afraid men ( at least Chinese men ) generally mind women's past more. It seems that men are more narrow-minded and jealous in this respect. That's why most Chinese men, according to an online survey, care about whether their wives are vir9ins or not.

Davinci,
I agree with you at some points. Besides, I've a few different thoughts.

When I applied a new job, the company would ask for my job experience in the past. They would ask a lot of detailed questions about what I had done and how I had done in my ex-employers. I wonder. Why can we know our lovers' occupations, age, nationalities, personality, likes and dislikes but we can't know their past? In my opinion, they are all relevant. It makes me know more about my lover, more all-sided and accurate. If my lover used to be a smoker, but now she has quitted smoking. It only shows her good qualities, such as determination, persistence, and she's willing to have a healthier lifestyle.

Telling my past to my lover and asking my lover's past is a respect to my lover. It shows I am serious about our relationship and care about her. What's the point of hiding everything in the past as if I don't have the past?

Moreover, it can prevent something bad happen in the future. See Truelove's example. If the man had known her lover was not a vir9in before getting married, he would have probably not married her. Also, she would have known that he was so narrow-minded and would have probably not married him. I think it would have been better to both of them.

Just my opinion. What do you think?

---

sayhelltouu

Ask me for a photo

10/30/2008 9:26 pm

Quoting cgy1963:

---

Õâ¸öÎÊÌâÌáµÃºÃ.
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---

sayhelltouu

Ask me for a photo

10/30/2008 9:19 pm

Quoting meilejia1000:

---

²»ÓÃÈ¥Á˽â¶Ô·½µÄ¹ýÈ¥

---

sayhelltouu

Ask me for a photo

10/30/2008 9:14 pm

KQRBNP

10/30/2008 2:22 pm

Quoting davinci2rinpoche:

---

You raise an interesting question, KQ, and I was surprised that I immediately knew what my stand was, because it is not an easy one.

I remember one of my girlfriends asking me how lovemaking was with my former gf and if it was "better" with her! Of course, such a question is so silly it can only hurt the new relationship. What is definitely damaging is any type of "competitive comparisons".

In a new relationship we are not looking for a BETTER partner, but for a more COMPATIBLE partner. The former partner may actually be better at a lot of things, from cooking to seks, the former partner may be better-looking, earn more money, etc., but still the relationship with the new partner may be much more rewarding... So any kind of comparison between an ex and a new partner is completely irrelevant. Why then "reveal" anything?

To selfishly come back to my latest post about owning people, wanting to know everything about our partners' ex-relationships seems to me to be an attempt at possessing the new partner, controlling them by knowing everything. In my opinion, only a person very unsure of themselves will want to know everything about her lover. It is a lack of respect.

To some extent, I'd say we always "love" the ones we used to love, only that has turned into a different sort of love, and we cannot deny them. Suppose you had a "bad" partner, one who used to shout and drink, or whatever. Even that bad experience has shaped you into what you are now, and hopefully made you better. So even that "bad" partner played a positive role in your life...

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yonganzl

10/29/2008 9:23 pm

davinci2rinpoche

10/29/2008 3:53 pm

KQRBNP

10/29/2008 11:55 am

Quoting meilejia1000:

---

²»ÓÃÈ¥Á˽â¶Ô·½µÄ¹ýÈ¥

---

KQRBNP

10/29/2008 11:53 am

Quoting dxcxz:

---

²»°üÀ¨¡£Á˽⵱ǰËûµÄ˼Ï롢ƷÐС¢¶ÔÊÂÒµ¡¢¼ÒÍ¥µÄ̬¶ÈºÍ°®ÄãµÄ³Ì¶È¼°ÎªÈ˵ȵȣ¬×ÜÖ®Êǹ۲ìÁ˽âÄãÑÛÇ°ÏÖÔÚµÄËû£¡

---

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KQRBNP

10/29/2008 11:23 am

Quoting gotofuture1:

---

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---

KQRBNP

10/29/2008 11:20 am

Quoting cgy1963:

---

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---

gotofuture1

10/28/2008 11:57 pm

Quoting KQRBNP:

---

½ðÅÆÐÖ£¬ÎÒÒ²ÈÏΪÁµÈËÖ®¼äÓбØÒªÖªµÀһЩ¹ýÈ¥µÄÊÂÇé¡£µ«ÕâÊÇ·ñ»á³ÉΪÁ½¸öÈ˹ØϵµÄ»ù´¡£¿

---

cgy1963

10/28/2008 8:16 pm

KQRBNP

10/28/2008 10:50 am

Quoting truelover88:

---

This story came from a malaysian friend of mine regarding her aunt. About the virgin part at the wedding night, I did not ask her the detail, I'm not that kind of nosy.

---

Hahaha..... good for you.

KQRBNP

10/28/2008 10:45 am

Quoting sayhelltouu:

---

Very clever question KQ , don't you think that read people's answer itself has had reveal something real information from already ?

To me, i share your opinion -- i don't care sharing and think it is important. but i also understand those who doesn't seem agree share their past or saying depend on .

Kindly to think ,none would feel comfortable to tell those of ²»¿°»ØÊ׵ĹýÈ¥¡£ why so cruel to uncover their scars ? although ,don't eliminate a few who just want to cheat or pretend ,but i think , majority just don't feel good to mentioned .why don't be kindly to let them easier ?

I think , take more time to observe and ask some of clever question like this one ,you also can get real info from them bit by bit indirectly and some hurt with directly way may be avoid ?

---

Absolutely, sayu! I enjoy very much reading people's responses and comments. Especially when you follow some perticular bloggers long enough, it will definitely give you enough information to picture them out.

Not all past are unbearable. ²»¿°»ØÊס£ And it all depends on the person that what, when and how much one want to share with his/her partner. If it's too painful, one can choose not to share. Also, I think it depends on where the two are at the relationship. I've been talking with the person for quite some time and I didn't bother to ask about his past directly until recent. As you said, he often refers something that he experienced in the past in many subjects we talked about without explicitly asked. Actually, my conversation with him over the last weekend triggered me to put this post on. I said to him, "You never said anything about yourself." He said, "You never asked." You see, how funny! We both, in fact, talked and exchanged a lot of information about our lives, now and past. But we never explicitly say "what did you do IN THE PAST?"

meilejia1000

10/28/2008 9:00 am

dxcxz

10/27/2008 11:32 pm

Quoting KQRBNP:

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ÇëÎÊÏÈÉú£¬ÔÚÏà´¦ÖмÓÉîÁ˽âÊÇ·ñ°üÀ¨Á˽â¶Ô·½µÄ¹ýÈ¥ÄØ£¿

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truelover88

10/27/2008 9:54 pm

Quoting KQRBNP:

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Absolutely agree with you that the mindset and characters play very important role, indeed. What seems odd to me is that the narrow-mind man should try whatever he could to know whether the girl was a virgin before their marriage, or should check immediately after their wedding night. If he tried and did not find it out. What does that mean?

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sayhelltouu

Ask me for a photo

10/27/2008 8:55 pm

KQRBNP

10/27/2008 5:15 pm

Quoting truelover88:

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This is a true story. A very traditional man who in the beginning wants to marry a virgin. He then met a woman and they both fall in love madly and get married. They have 2 kids and live together happily for five years. Somehow he got the wife unintentionally reveal that she was not a virgin before their marriage. This narrow-minded man after knowing the fact became very unhappy within.
A year later they got divorced. He married another woman but the marriage is not as perfect as the previous one since he still thinks of the previous wife. The previous wife gets married again to a never married man but they live very happily until now. They have 5 grandkids now. This man is a very open minded and an acceptable kind of person. Still this may not apply to any marriage, but somehow the character and the mindset play very important role.

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KQRBNP

10/27/2008 5:01 pm

Quoting jpollock:

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I reveal as much as she wishes to know, but I don't volunteer more than she asks. I don't need to know, but sometimes are curious because I fear repeating what caused the problems in the prior relationship.

jpollock

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KQRBNP

10/27/2008 4:53 pm

Quoting dxcxz:

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KQRBNP

10/27/2008 4:51 pm

Quoting Mayfromnow:

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