 | Blogs > bmyx2002 > The Life & Times of an ABC > Life always leads to pain, even unselfish or true love |
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Aug 19, 2009 6:29 pm Life is strange. Sometimes two people can have so much in common on the immediate surface, but the similarities are so shallow that it's as thin as a veneer. Right now, my girlfriend is having a difficult time, and for the first time since we've met, I can't make her feel better immediately. It bothers me. When she hurts, I do too....and it's not because she's yelling at me or accusing me. That, in fact, is the exact second major difference. She won't say anything, because we've spoke about the problem and she doesn't blame me. Yet, I find myself hearing her sadness and I actually would like her to yell....why? Because that's what my ex would have done. In the past, the reason I'd be unhappy, when my ex was, would be due to her being upset, angry, and in some way having it affect me. If it involved me in some way or she felt it did, I would either be blamed, yelled at, or be affected later on due to repressed or delayed anger. My fiance before my ex would have been upset and sad, and then she would have actively sought my assistance to resolve her problem, if it was her problem. If it was something that involved me, she would have tried to pursuade me to do what she thought would fix her problem. If that didn't work, there would be begging and/or fighting or both. Now I'm with a decent woman that does none of these things, whether I'm involved or not. Instead, she talks to me about it, whether the problem involves me or not, then she does not lash out or cry or yell or say anything. All I hear is the sadness in her voice, and it hurts. Some would say I love her dearly, and I know I do. Yet, I can't say it is "how much" I love her that is so different. Instead, it is "how" (the way) I love her. It's strange because I've never felt or treated someone I dated like this before...but I do what's best for her, I hate to see her in pain or discomfort, and I expect nothing back....even though I do wish and hope we will love each other and stay together indefinitely. I don't expect anything and am glad just to have her in my life and talk to her. When I see her, I see it as a blessing and am glad I get one more day with her. They say this is the definition of "real" or "true love", which is selfless and not selfish like passionate or profane "in love". They are right, and I've argued and believed that it is something that occurs eventually.....and I was sure I had jumped past being in love directly to it years ago....but it's never been more obvious than now....and it is scary. The thought that someone's suffering can affect me so directly....the idea that if they left I'd recover faster than in my broken marriage....but that their suffering can become my suffering so quickly and directly! What happens when she loses her mother one day and her heart is broken? What happens if we break up one day and I feel her pain? Until now, I always thought it was the selfish nature of being "in love" that caused us pain....and while I know we do hurt when we lose the people we love, but....it wasn't until this moment that I've come to rationalize this truth completely ---- the truth that unselfish love can cause us pain and inevitably will, because life inevitably will bring pain to the one(s) we love. |
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9/15/2009 12:15 am |
Your words are very true. Someone once told me that in life, we should strive for a balance. And if you look around in nature, and the universe... you may see this pattern of balance around you. In many examples throughout history, we see the extreme actions, thoughts, and ways of being are often very unhealthy and damaging. Love should not be too selfish, caring only for the self. But to be completely selfless... would not give value to that partner. For if we really value that person in our life... we will want them to ourselves as much as possible. A person wants to be needed and valued. But one thing that you said that I have a hard time with... Has to do with pain. Life contains pains in it... But for the pains, we also have great joys and happy moments. If someone told you they could erase every pain and sorrow away from you... but in order to do so... they needed to erase your happiest and most treasured memories... Would you do it? If you tasted the most rotten thing... Would you ask to have your tongue removed? If you smelled the worst putrid smell... Would you ask to have your nose stripped of it sense? It may be hard to remember the good things, when you are in pain... (or when you are experiencing the negative sides of things) But think about it deeply, and you will know there is much more happy events than sad, in your life. And for every bad thing that could and may happen... when asked... you probably would not trade the experiences for any price. I also do not believe in that so called idea of 'True love' as your described. What you spoke of is more like parental love. Unconditional love. That kind of love is for Priest and Nuns, in my opinion. That is Not the kind of love that fuels the fires of the burning heart. I wouldnt want to be with a lover who had no passion or any hint of selfish need / desire. Water is Pure... But it also lacks any flavor. (Btw - some of this is directed at others than yourself and not quite pertaining to your situation)
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9/16/2009 12:52 am |
Hi Bmyx, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It seems you are very appreciative of your girlfriend and you come across as "being in-love." I'm very happy for you and hope that God will sustain your relationship with her if this is your desire. In order for us to LOVE, we have to CARE. The best thing you can do for your girl when she is in pain is go to God in prayer. He will move you in what to do, whether it takes action on your part, a voice of wisdom, or just a listening ear. Rick "Always Keep The Faith" 总保留信念 總保留信念
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 9/17/2009 5:33 pm |
Pain, like conflict, is an inevitable part of life. We accept it, deal with it and hopefully, move on.
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