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The thoughts, life, and times of an American Chinese guy. Life can be strange. My fraternity brothers always said I should write a book about all the crazy things, ideas, and occurrances in my life. Even in college, my brothers knew my conservative personality and clean cut appearance didn't mean a boring person. I'm not crazy, but I have been places, had experiences, and seen events for many lifetimes in the last 10 years. I have known joy, happiness, the greatest times of my life, and felt extreme pain. I have done good and bad. The good has led to great memories. The bad has led to regrets and some of the most meaningful lessons of life.
I CAN ONLY READ ENGLISH COMMENTS ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE OF THE WAY AsiaFriendFinder IS SET UP.
PLEASE POST COMMENTS IN ENGLISH. THANKS.
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Life always leads to pain, even unselfish or true love
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Sep 14, 2009 5:02 pm
399 Views
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Aug 19, 2009 6:29 pm
Life is strange.
Sometimes two people can have so much in common on the immediate surface, but the similarities are so shallow that it's as thin as a veneer.
Right now, my girlfriend is having a difficult time, and for the first time since we've met, I can't make her feel better immediately. It bothers me. When she hurts, I do too....and it's not because she's yelling at me or accusing me.
That, in fact, is the exact second major difference. She won't say anything, because we've spoke about the problem and she doesn't blame me. Yet, I find myself hearing her sadness and I actually would like her to yell....why?
Because that's what my ex would have done. In the past, the reason I'd be unhappy, when my ex was, would be due to her being upset, angry, and in some way having it affect me. If it involved me in some way or she felt it did, I would either be blamed, yelled at, or be affected later on due to repressed or delayed anger. My fiance before my ex would have been upset and sad, and then she would have actively sought my assistance to resolve her problem, if it was her problem. If it was something that involved me, she would have tried to pursuade me to do what she thought would fix her problem. If that didn't work, there would be begging and/or fighting or both.
Now I'm with a decent woman that does none of these things, whether I'm involved or not. Instead, she talks to me about it, whether the problem involves me or not, then she does not lash out or cry or yell or say anything. All I hear is the sadness in her voice, and it hurts.
Some would say I love her dearly, and I know I do. Yet, I can't say it is "how much" I love her that is so different.
Instead, it is "how" (the way) I love her.
It's strange because I've never felt or treated someone I dated like this before...but I do what's best for her, I hate to see her in pain or discomfort, and I expect nothing back....even though I do wish and hope we will love each other and stay together indefinitely.
I don't expect anything and am glad just to have her in my life and talk to her. When I see her, I see it as a blessing and am glad I get one more day with her.
They say this is the definition of "real" or "true love", which is selfless and not selfish like passionate or profane "in love". They are right, and I've argued and believed that it is something that occurs eventually.....and I was sure I had jumped past being in love directly to it years ago....but it's never been more obvious than now....and it is scary.
The thought that someone's suffering can affect me so directly....the idea that if they left I'd recover faster than in my broken marriage....but that their suffering can become my suffering so quickly and directly! What happens when she loses her mother one day and her heart is broken? What happens if we break up one day and I feel her pain?
Until now, I always thought it was the selfish nature of being "in love" that caused us pain....and while I know we do hurt when we lose the people we love, but....it wasn't until this moment that I've come to rationalize this truth completely ---- the truth that unselfish love can cause us pain and inevitably will, because life inevitably will bring pain to the one(s) we love.
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3
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The biggest con
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Sep 3, 2009 9:40 pm
521 Views
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"The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't. When they found this out, they would blame me for disillusioning them---and fooling them."
-Marilyn Monroe-
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6
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She won me over
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Aug 18, 2009 11:17 pm
430 Views
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When I first met her,
I was heartbroken over another
When I met her,
she knew I liked her
When we started dating,
she knew I cared for her
but was jealous over another
When I won her heart,
she cried knowing I was not over another
When she started loving me,
we agreed neither of us
would be in love as before
When I started saying,
"I loved you",
she was shy and scared
When day she started saying,
"I love you" to me daily,
and I got scared.
I never fell in love with her.
I jumped the painful stage.
I love her unconditionally.
It was always my ex
I worried about,
even after I finally "let go"
in my heart.
It was always my ex,
who dominated my mind
and heart.
I never worried over her,
but today I think of her
more than my ex.
I worry where she is,
as she once worried over me.
Once it was me who disappeared,
my phone off for days.
Now, today, it is her.
She won me over.
With her patience,
understanding,
and love...
in action.
She won me over...
in time.
She won me over,
and I hope I don't lose her.
She won me over,
and I hope I have not lost her.
She won me over.
I truly love her.
She won me over.
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Pain reveals a wonderful world, if you overcome fear of it
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Aug 14, 2009 11:07 pm
497 Views
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It's in pain that I've learned just how special the small things in this life are
from the sun shining on our faces
to a child's smile
It's just now that I learned how wonderful this world is
because I've come to understand the pain isn't always meant to subside
It can contrast to show how good God's world is around us
and sometimes the pain doesn't subside
And I finally thought to myself
sometimes it isn't meant to go away
It's meant to stay
and I was supposed to learn to see it
as a blessing
and not a curse
It's finally taught me
that pain isn't always to be avoided
or to be run from
and it is a mark
that we HAD something real
And when I remember this
The pain loses it's power
The only power it ever had
fear
and from it
anxiety, grief, and sadness
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What do you deserve?
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Jun 21, 2009 5:52 pm
648 Views
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What do you deserve?
May 26, 2009 2:33 am
"Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve & desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy. You deserve delight." - Mark VHansen
The world is full of misinterpretations of quotes and verses taken out of context.
I don't know where the above quote came from or if it was part of a greater body of writing.
All I can say is that taken alone, the idea of finding happiness because we somehow "deserve" it is contrary to the peace we find when we start looking at the needs of others, and that starts with realizing we are not the center of the world. Yes, the world actually does not revolve around the desires of each one of us. The world goes on just find without any of us, if we are talking about our individual selfish "wants" in existence.
And what do each of us truly deserve? Ask yourself how you contributed to or opposed the desires of others, and the answer steers you right in the face.
The average person is so busy running over others to get what they want, that they've spent a life-time showing they don't deserve their own desires.
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Running Against The Wind
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Jun 21, 2009 5:51 pm
597 Views
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Running against the wind....you learn when you get older, if you're lucky...otherwise you end up old and life's a bunch of regrets....but the luckiest ones are those that listen to the truth from those that went before them...those are the truly wise ones.I ensured I wasn't one of the smart ones a long time ago...but at least I learned to turn my back to the wind and go forward finally.
http://asiafriendfinder.com=92083938260&h=FLblY&u=mBG50&ref=mf
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why do the scales always balance out?
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May 20, 2009 2:42 pm
731 Views
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What goes around comes around-justice-karma. Why do the scales always balance out?
Maybe it's built directly into the individual & society? If someone believes in God, this would make sense. It would be another example of "intelligent design". If you believe in evolution, one could argue that these "safeguards" were built into us, to destroy those that threaten social stability by breaking the rules to excess, whether it's lying, stealing, violence, cheating, or whatever.
Whatever the case, it seems this "justice" always seems to find you, if you live long enough, just like death finds all of us in enough time.
If you're naive enough, you think you can beat it. If you're smart, you stay decent, and if you're not egotistical, you learn to face your evils and face up to who you are...to be a woman...to be a man.
You cannot change if you can't face your own faults. And if you keep bleeding others, you will eventually bleed.
When I was younger, I didn't always see this pattern. Sometimes I wondered why thieves and cheaters prosper. Sometimes I thought my own sins would wait until the next life, and I had enough time to make amends when I got older. When experience comes, many of us learn justice doesn't wait. It comes now and later, and the now is painful enough.
There is no free lunch, free rides. We just think there is.
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6
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real love - forever - a gift or a curse?
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May 6, 2009 10:39 pm
778 Views
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4/27/2009 10:17 pm
"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants is, everybody seeks it, but fewer ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it and among all, never..ever forget it.." - Joliane Omega
Those who find it will never, ever forget it. Quite true. One thing though....sometimes only one of two in a couple find it or stay "in it"...because sometimes you find yourself loving someone who doesn't reciprocate...and sometimes you discover what real true love is, and the other person only thinks or thought they love...they were only "in love" or worse, it was just puppy love or strong affection or, cliche aside, it may have been simply confusion....it's often a an excuse but sometimes the truth....confusion.
Ironic though...if you find real love and you lose it, you often find it is easy to find again...you discover that love comes when you are ready....and you learn from the loss and are always ready....forever ready....and this is how the one that left you loses out, for few find love and odds are the one that left didn't and never will, but you did....and that is the gift, that is justice, but it is also the curse..............to be forever able to see love...always able to find it easily...the thing is, relationships are ongoing, never permanent, so you always wonder, if this one is the one that stays...and what if you miss it because it gets confusing figuring out and you let go of too easily...because you learn to let go too...not always out of fear....but just because it gets easier...because, trust and fear aside, anyone who's been left knows there are no absolute guarantees when it comes to people...only with God is there ever predictability and absolute loyalty.
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4
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The steel half-pipe toilet - Part 1
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Apr 22, 2009 9:17 pm
Mood: It is what it is,
801 Views
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The steel half-pipe toilet
Jan 19, 2009 8:10 pm
In the period after I broke up with my fiance years ago, and was depressed, I left her a voice mail about how funny the half-rectangle steel toilet was in a Bangkok nightclub I was standing in.
On the first trip back to Bangkok after my ex-Thai-wife left me, I was in a Bangkok pub on the same road. My ex picked up the phone. We talked briefly about nothing, since neither of us could handle the emotional verbal arguments anymore. I wanted her back. She knew her affair and leaving me for a married man was wrong, but she was going to do it because she was in love. She was convinced or trying to convince both of us that our marriage was beyond repair because of us and her affair. She was convinced I somehow "made her" cheat on me, while I continued to insist I was responsible for problems in our marriage but not the affair since nobody "makes" anyone else cheat.
Now just today I was in a Thai disco in Pattaya and I see a half-tub steel toilet in a L-shape formation...and I thought of the last two times this happened. What is going to happen now?
The first time, I had left my ex-fiance for my now ex-wife. I was the cheater.
The second time, my now ex-Thai wife had left me for someone else. She was the adulteress since it was within a marriage...a sacred thing beyond a simple romantic relationship.
The third time is now. My ex-wife, as I call her, and I are yet to finally complete the legal divorce. Soon she will be 100% gone, though realitistically she's been gone for over 3.5 years now as a wife. And I'm with a gf I've known since 6 months after my Thai wife left me. I've known my gf for 3 years now and it's getting serious. This last sighting of the steel tubed toilet has accentuated that reality that I'm once again at a major turning point. It's not just that my wife will finally really be my ex-wife, but that I must seriously now look at where I go into the future with my gf? I'm not married to her (yet), so the rules of commitment, loyalty, and never leaving are not in force yet. I know it's wrong to leave for another woman, but is it wrong to leave if I believe there's a better candidate for a wife in the future? It isn't all about beauty, personality, or attitude. It's the whole package put together, and I am pondering if the reality that I see pieces of the right future wife in different women isn't a sign that I need to keep looking for what my soon-to-be-ex-wife said...that person with a face I can't see yet who I know will be the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with (if it is me talking) or at least to spend a long long time with (if it is her talking).
I don't believe in signs of this type foretelling our fortunes (we MAKE our own fortunes in so many ways), but even out of coincidence, it's interesting how the major times of my love life have centered on steel tube toilets in Thailand.
And it was there again tonight/early morning/near dawn at the disco. I could say I was in panic, but I'm battle-hardened and shell-shocked from all the did to get and all I went thru when I lost my Thai wife. I was just in a contemplative mood void of any emotional pain. It was like relective pondering of the future and remembrance of the past over the last decade of my love life. It was more remembrance than pondering the future. I guess I still don't want to deal with the upcoming legal final end of my marriage. And with my gf, I've learned the value of patience. I do need to think and decide, but we have time. With time, our actions towards each other, her contemplations, and my own contemplations will ultimately lead to an outcome. Hopefully, whatever it is, it will be mutual and not a one-sided decision, like I did to my ex-fiance and my Thai wife did/or in the final stages of doing with me.
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This was written in January during my last trip to Thailand. There was something important that was already happening in my personal life. And it is very clear what it is now...I will explain in part 2.
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