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The thoughts, life, and times of an American Chinese guy. Life can be strange. My fraternity brothers always said I should write a book about all the crazy things, ideas, and occurrances in my life. Even in college, my brothers knew my conservative personality and clean cut appearance didn't mean a boring person. I'm not crazy, but I have been places, had experiences, and seen events for many lifetimes in the last 10 years. I have known joy, happiness, the greatest times of my life, and felt extreme pain. I have done good and bad. The good has led to great memories. The bad has led to regrets and some of the most meaningful lessons of life.
I CAN ONLY READ ENGLISH COMMENTS ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE OF THE WAY AsiaFriendFinder IS SET UP.
PLEASE POST COMMENTS IN ENGLISH. THANKS.
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Emotional Reactions vs. Thoughtful Responses
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Oct 8, 2007 12:58 pm
665 Views
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When something unexpected happens to you, what do you do? Do you respond or react?
When life's traumas comes your way, do you "respond" well?
As human beings, we have emotions and thoughts. An Asia FriendFinder member I respect suggested the difference.
You can react or you can deliberate and respond.
A reaction is instinctive, definitely emotional, and not fully contemplated.
A response is thought out. Emotions are considered. Emotions may be part of it. However, there is definitely deliberation and thought in arriving at a response.
The advantage of a well-deliberated and thought out response to a reaction is simple. You can still do what the reaction might have led you to do, but now you have considered other options, have a better idea of the pros/cons, and made a better considered decision.
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Insane Thai Traffic
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Oct 5, 2007 12:25 pm
889 Views
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Insane Thai Traffic
1. A soi dog sits in the middle of on-coming traffic and takes a dump, while panting and looking at my speeding motorcycle coming at it. It doesn't give a crap!
2. Motorcycles going at full speed, in the wrong lane, even when there is not traffic on the proper side of the road for their direction of travel.
3. Idiots riding in groups of 4 or even 5 on a motorcyle, in heavy traffic, and at high speed.
4. Motorcyclists talking and hold intense conversations while riding at full speed in parallel, and often not paying attention to the road ahead of them.
5. Thai police not wearing helmets and going on the wrong side of the road. These are the people who ticket Thais who do the same thing.
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The Match
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Oct 5, 2007 12:21 pm
816 Views
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It's difficult enough when a couple who are a "good match" end up having a failed relationship.
It makes no sense to be in a "bad match". The outcome is going to be failure, unless you now do twice the work. First, you'll have the do all the normal hard work of maintaining a healthy relationship and staying together. Second, you will have to go about dealing with all the friction and relationship problems of a badly matched couple.
Despite all the talk of opposites attracting and sometimes even complementing one another in a strong bond, the reality is that it isn't about being the same or different ultimately, when speaking about what makes a lasting relationship. What counts is if the couple is well matched. If they are not, the odds get dramatically worse.
Those who think will realize this. Those who go with pure emotions and feelings will pursue out of lust, fantasy, or the euphoria of the moment. However, reality is cruel, and it always wins in the end.
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THINK
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Oct 4, 2007 11:51 am
906 Views
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Think about it! Stop just "feeling" everything. There's a reason God put our minds above our hearts.
(The mind also controls emotions.)
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Cheating from a business and legal perspective
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Oct 4, 2007 11:49 am
803 Views
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Men do have the urge to cheat for many reasons and there's tons of theories for why, when, where, etc.
I've never believed it is ever acceptable behaviour from man or woman....a great quote from a movie said it best...."We are not defined by who we are inside but by our actions."
If a man will break a marriage vow, betray the trust of his wife, maintain a relationship with a woman under fraudulent terms (would she stay if she knew what he was up to?), and expose her to potential disease (condoms are not 100% safe), then what do those actions define him as?
Even if we take all morality and ethics out of it, there are very real and real condemnations in the business and legal world for this type of behaviour. It's called fraud and breach of contract.
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Fitness and proper nutrition - Is it worth the effort?
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Sep 26, 2007 2:17 am
682 Views
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Most people get softer and less attractive as they age.
By cultural standards of attraction, youth is usually a major advantage. I have yet to see a place, where it practical reality, an older man or woman comes off looking more handsome or beautiful because of age. We just tend to be less attractive to the opposite sex as we age. It's a reality we need to accept, in my mind, despite all the things one can do to slow it down (i.e. cosmetic surgery or working out).
However, when it comes to getting softer (i.e. fatter, less fit, etc.) and less healthy, it can be managed and even prevented. Sagging chests, broken hips, weak joints, diabetes, heart disease --- a lot of these problems come with age and can be reduced, controlled, and even prevented/reversed if someone exercises and eats properly.
Research makes it clear that as men age, their testosterone levels drop significantly past their 40's. Muscles break down. It's also clear no amount of working out or eating right is going to make an older man as strong as a younger man, with all things being equal.
However, all things are not equal here. Many men are healthier and stronger, and more fit and have better bodies, in their 40's than they ever had in their 20's. The reason is because while the younger version of him had greater potential, it was never taken. Now, at an older age, he has done what is necessary to reduce fat, build muscle, and be more healthy.
Is all this effort worth it?
I think it is.
Don't do it for women or men. Do it to stay healthy and stronger, so your life is more productive and healthy for a longer time. Even if you don't live longer, you will live a higher physical quality of life.
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The blacksmith, the fire, the anvil, and the hammer
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Sep 24, 2007 6:02 am
593 Views
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What is missing when you think about a blacksmith, a fire, an anvil, and a hammer?
It's what is being forged, refined, detailed, and formed.
The iron is heated and continually beat by the blacksmith, as it lays against the anvil (a stable surface). Eventually, the ore is shaped and refined, thru both the fire and the hammer, until it is steel. The imperatives are removed. The intended sword, helmet, or shield is formed.
When I look at the process of building muscle in resistance training, a very similar process occurs. The weight trainer (blacksmith) is shaping his own body (the iron) using the various exercises (the hammer). He is building his strength and muscles up from his current levels of strength and size (the anvil).
For anyone who has consistently lifted weights for an extended period of time, they will easily realize the difference between a piece of iron ore and a person. People hurt and suffer. We are not strong like metal ore and definitely will never be as hard as steel. It is only thru our will and the choices we make to continue, that the process of refining and growing the muscles can occur.
It is the same with improving "as a person". Past learning from others and a foundation of knowledge in the material (science, math, etc.), the spiritual (faith), social, and emotional, there are things that each person learns thru negative experiences. What those things are and what experiences each of us goes thru can vary greatly or be very similar.
However, one thing is for certain. Going thru the fire of life's tragedies and great falls is painful to a depth and a degree most of us never feel in the physical realm.
How does one make it thru? Some say we have no choice and our instinct to survive gets us thru.
However, I don't mean how we survive and just continue to exist. I mean how does one "live" past some of the terrible events some of us must face?
It takes a faith and belief that thru the heat and pounding of the pain, something stronger will result...something that takes a form....I've seen this common idea amongst those of various faiths and even many who don't believe in a God but in a meaning to life's events.
As I always heard in church, God shapes us in the fires of life. Who made the fire isn't the subject here. What is important is that the fire, the hammer, and who craftsman are going to refine and form us, if we can continue thru the pain.
If we can't? Then we just exist....but if we can...then we get to live.
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It's not all relative
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Sep 23, 2007 5:03 am
580 Views
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Some things in life are relative.
A 3 inch goldfish in a small bowl might be too big, but put it in a 300 gallon aquarium, and it's very small.
For those that travel a lot, especially internationally, it is sometimes very noticeable how concepts of what is attractive/how attractive can change from culture to culture.
One thing I found massive was the concept of how attractive I looked in Asia compared to in the USA. In the Philippines, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Hong Kong, and Singapore I seem to often pass for a local and some low-level singer/actor with some name I can't pronounce.
However, this passing for a "local", if it's not accompanied by some mistaken idea of me being someone else, can have one of two very opposing effects. Often, women will be attracted because they only like locals and by local standards I look good. However, for certain women, it is a turnoff, because they have lost or have no interest in local men (for a host of reasons, which sometimes involves money/lack of it but often has a lot to do with how people sometimes get hurt by a particular type of person and than avoid said color/race in future romantic relationships).
I saw a similar reaction in Austin. Unlike the rest of Texas, there was some kind of big interest in Anglo/Asian dating among the caucasian women there who I ran into at the restaurants/clubs frequented by the IT/Financial/Business crowd in their 20's thru 30's. People talked about it at work and in the bars too, and it was a topic in the newspaper. Why? I still don't know.
However, when I go past all the various lenses of attraction, I've noticed it tends to mostly come back to the same things. There are, from what I've observed, common motivations for a romantic relationship and partner that go even beyond your gender.
It seems to boil down to companionship, somebody to care for, and someone to care for us, when you get past all the theories, fantasies, and culturally driven views of others.
Everyone ultimately wants to feel secure (to be taken care of), to have a purpose (someone to take care of, a relationship, a family) and someone who can be there for them (companionship).
It's all driven by the 2 prime psychological emotions --- fear and greed. We want meaning and we want to feel good (greed). We want to avoid lack of purpose and being alone (fear). That's why when/if a relationships breaks up, there is a lot of fear of being alone, fear of being inadequate, and often a sudden urge to find someone new, and to be much more open to men/women we might not be so open to at other times (when we are under less stress from our fears).
It is culture (race, age, demographics, religion) that creates the various values, morals, ethics, and other mechanisms we use to gauge and measure people. And it is thru application of these measurements that each of us decides which suitor is the best candidate to take care of us, the best person we can take care of, and the person who will be the best companion for us.
Ideas like finding "the one" or falling in love are ideals (which sometimes span multiple cultures) created to help convey morals, ethics, and culling parameters for finding someone. They teach us to look for the best one possible and to not be too non-selective.
However, sometimes we forget they are just ideals and the myth becomes a believed fact...we start to think that a girl that we get along, that we care about, and that cares about us is enough. We start to expect "other things", or she expects "other things" because of her culture, or both....and then so often what would have been a working and healthy relationships becomes troublesome and falls apart. It can happen unilaterally (one way and from one party only) or bilaterally (both ways and from both parties).
So what's the point?
In the very end, things are rarely relative...in in opinion, I doubt they ever are, when we are dealing with romantic relationships.
However, too often, all the additional layers of the onion (culture with all it's ideals, morals, ethics, etc.) make it seem relative.
Sometimes, sadly, we also have people letting their "baggage" (past relationships and bad experiences with someone they associated with/wanted to associate with romantically) affect current and future relationships. Instead of "learning", they misapply a negative pattern to a group of women/men (by some trait) or even all women/men.
Remember, in the end, it is unlikely to ever be relative. However, it can seem very relative, if we forget a lot of what we gauge and cull by are actually not absolutely required or even needed.
It is up to each of us to decide what our absolute requirements are in a romantic relationship. For many people, a common faith is an important requirement. I see this as completely justified and sensible.
However, it is very important we remember they are mostly self-imposed requirements, beyond the absolute three mentioned earlier --- someone to care for us, someone for us to care for, and a companion.
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Love At First Sight
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Sep 19, 2007 5:27 am
908 Views
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I've gotten as close as I see it existing. It's an illusion.
The better term is attraction at first sight, followed by infatuation, followed by lust, followed by affection and familiarity,then the more common selfish love, then symbiotic love, and eventually real love.
The order can vary, but if you're lucky you manage to get from the first point A to real love Z. And you are very fortunate if you can hold onto the relationship for a lifetime...
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The Emptiness
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Sep 16, 2007 4:31 pm
648 Views
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It is often during our darkest hours, and in the depths of contemplation found in deep emotional and spiritual pain, that we face the "emptiness" within ourselves.
I think most people sense this. It is probably the removal of this emptiness, or feeling of a black hole in our soul, that makes many seek a romantic partner to "complete them".
However, having felt this before my first romantic relationship, after the time with my ex when I learned what real love is, and now, I believe that "emptiness" is not something we will ever fill with a relationship or by finding that special "one" person.
The illusion that being with the right "one", or someone we are deeply passionate about, can "fill" that hole is caused by how being in love or constantly occupied with someone makes the feelings of the void disappear.
In reality, it's still there. Most people just don't notice it, until they are alone again, thru a breakup/death/etc. And since the feeling, and awareness, of the hole in each of us returns when we are alone, many of us falsely conclude that being with someone special makes the hole go away.
I came to realize that there is a major gap between emotionally tainted perception and reality. This usually happens when we let our feelings "thin" for us, instead of our brains.
The reality is that if someone is more self-aware, and takes more time to look within themselves, as I have returned to, they will start to see that the hole is always there. It's just we don't always feel it there. (Do we need to feel the wind outside for it to exist, physically speaking? No.)
We cannot become any more complete by seeking out another human being. There are only two ways to be "complete".
1. Accept the void is there and learn to live with one self, during all the times of your life, whether you are in or outside of a romantic relationship. being "comfortable alone" and "comfortable with yourself" is extremely important in learning to live emotionally and spiritually with the void.
2. Why does the void exist? The answer to this question is important to establish the only other way to fill this void.
For believers of a faith, the void is often defined as the emptiness of not knowing God. There are many different religions, but the idea is that what is missing in us is God, and only God can fill the void.
Which leads back to being comfortable with yourself, especially if you are agnostic or an atheist and won't change your stance on the issue of God.
For those who define the void without God, the void is often explained as the human need to bond socially and of how the individual is always lacking in a social link, encumbered by their physical barrier (the body). Even sex, where two are joined as one, is temporary and ultimately really just two people copulating. It is still TWO people and not ONE.
So with all being said, many people are letting a "feeling" (of emptiness) drive them in their dating patterns. And as mentioned before, when you let your emotions do the thinking for you, bad things will usually follow...eventually.
Think about it. Don't feel about it.
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