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Life always leads to pain, even unselfish or true love
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Sep 14, 2009 5:02 pm
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Aug 19, 2009 6:29 pm
Life is strange.
Sometimes two people can have so much in common on the immediate surface, but the similarities are so shallow that it's as thin as a veneer.
Right now, my girlfriend is having a difficult time, and for the first time since we've met, I can't make her feel better immediately. It bothers me. When she hurts, I do too....and it's not because she's yelling at me or accusing me.
That, in fact, is the exact second major difference. She won't say anything, because we've spoke about the problem and she doesn't blame me. Yet, I find myself hearing her sadness and I actually would like her to yell....why?
Because that's what my ex would have done. In the past, the reason I'd be unhappy, when my ex was, would be due to her being upset, angry, and in some way having it affect me. If it involved me in some way or she felt it did, I would either be blamed, yelled at, or be affected later on due to repressed or delayed anger. My fiance before my ex would have been upset and sad, and then she would have actively sought my assistance to resolve her problem, if it was her problem. If it was something that involved me, she would have tried to pursuade me to do what she thought would fix her problem. If that didn't work, there would be begging and/or fighting or both.
Now I'm with a decent woman that does none of these things, whether I'm involved or not. Instead, she talks to me about it, whether the problem involves me or not, then she does not lash out or cry or yell or say anything. All I hear is the sadness in her voice, and it hurts.
Some would say I love her dearly, and I know I do. Yet, I can't say it is "how much" I love her that is so different.
Instead, it is "how" (the way) I love her.
It's strange because I've never felt or treated someone I dated like this before...but I do what's best for her, I hate to see her in pain or discomfort, and I expect nothing back....even though I do wish and hope we will love each other and stay together indefinitely.
I don't expect anything and am glad just to have her in my life and talk to her. When I see her, I see it as a blessing and am glad I get one more day with her.
They say this is the definition of "real" or "true love", which is selfless and not selfish like passionate or profane "in love". They are right, and I've argued and believed that it is something that occurs eventually.....and I was sure I had jumped past being in love directly to it years ago....but it's never been more obvious than now....and it is scary.
The thought that someone's suffering can affect me so directly....the idea that if they left I'd recover faster than in my broken marriage....but that their suffering can become my suffering so quickly and directly! What happens when she loses her mother one day and her heart is broken? What happens if we break up one day and I feel her pain?
Until now, I always thought it was the selfish nature of being "in love" that caused us pain....and while I know we do hurt when we lose the people we love, but....it wasn't until this moment that I've come to rationalize this truth completely ---- the truth that unselfish love can cause us pain and inevitably will, because life inevitably will bring pain to the one(s) we love.
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