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The thoughts, life, and times of an American Chinese guy. Life can be strange. My fraternity brothers always said I should write a book about all the crazy things, ideas, and occurrances in my life. Even in college, my brothers knew my conservative personality and clean cut appearance didn't mean a boring person. I'm not crazy, but I have been places, had experiences, and seen events for many lifetimes in the last 10 years. I have known joy, happiness, the greatest times of my life, and felt extreme pain. I have done good and bad. The good has led to great memories. The bad has led to regrets and some of the most meaningful lessons of life.
I CAN ONLY READ ENGLISH COMMENTS ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE OF THE WAY AsiaFriendFinder IS SET UP.
PLEASE POST COMMENTS IN ENGLISH. THANKS.
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Time heals all wounds...or does it?
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Dec 28, 2008 10:12 pm
1127 Views
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"Time heals all wounds...right?"
No, not if nothing changes. Not if you do nothing, stay the same. Not if you don't change what you do, how you think. Not if nothing changes.
Nothing changes if you don't change.
- paraphrase of a conversation from an episode of "House", the TV series
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The importance of physical struggle
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Dec 26, 2008 10:02 pm
1070 Views
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Something terrible happened to me once. It's been a while since the event that it all centers on occurred. It's been a while since the deepest lowest depths of emotional hell I went through. Most of the trauma has been accepted. My state has stabilized mostly. My mind has mostly accepted it. All the illusions the mind creates to protect our emotional and ultimately physical health have been mostly broken down by my rational mind. My emotional acceptance is ALMOST there.
Yet, anyone who's ever been there, can tell you that last step, that ALMOST finally accepting it and letting it go...it's so very difficult. And when I look at how so many, maybe all of those people who has been there, whether a loss or trauma from war or a divorce or loss of a loved one from accident or crime, will tell you, perhaps that last piece of pain or false hope never truly disappears. Perhaps that final ALMOST is always there in us, until the end of our days in this life.
And that's why physical struggle is so important.
I came to realize this when I looked at a video of Bruce Lee once again. What is it about Bruce or Arnold S. that makes them so unique from the rest of the great martial artists or bodybuilders? It's not that they were the biggest or the strongest or that they even won the most competitions in those respective disciplines. No, what made them special is that they each epitomized the spirit of the human ability to overcome the obstacles that we each must face and conquer.
It's when I'm in the midst of a painful and intense lifting session, when I'm kicking that bag in exhaustion, when I'm pushing myself to absorb as much new piloting skills as I can in the plane...these are the moments when I can externalize my personal struggle to finally overcome the pain inside myself...if only for just a short time...and for the 100th time...and it helps me to keep moving forward another mile...to "keep on trucking" as a good dear friend used to advise me.
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Breaking Hearts
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Dec 15, 2008 9:16 pm
1254 Views
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Circus - Britney Spears
Oh, baby [x2]
How many times have U called my number
Wishing I was someone else?
How many times did my heart tumble
Feeling sorry 4 myself?
How many times have I kissed U
And smelled another man's perfume?
How many lonely nights I missed U
Wishing 4 ya body in my lonely room? (lonely room)
Baby, if U break my heart one more time
It'll be the last heart U'll ever break
I've taken all I can take
Baby, this heart wasn't made 2 break
How many times can U hurt me (hurt me)
Before your conscience makes U stop? (stop, stop, oh)
U made it all, why now desert me?
Baby, U know U can never cop (never cop), never cop
A body that'll do U like I do
U got 2 get your thing 2gether sister
I'm tired of being your fool
If U break my heart one more time
It'll be the last heart U'll ever break
Baby, I've taken all I can take
Baby, my heart wasn't made 2 break
Baby, don't U break my heart
No, no, don't do it!
If U break my heart one more time
It'll be the last heart U'll ever break
Darlin', I've taken all I can take
Baby, this heart wasn't made 2 break
(When U fix your mouth 2 tell that lie)
When U fix your mouth 2 tell a brand new lie
(Never before told, by and by)
Never ignore the truth, by and by
(False words should never be spoken)
False words should never be, never be spoken
(My heart should never be broken)
And baby, my heart should never be, never be broken
If U break my heart one more time
It'll be the last heart U'll ever break
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Judging others
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Dec 12, 2008 10:25 am
1608 Views
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"Do not judge, lest ye be judged."
This quote from the Bible doesn't say not to judge others. It says if you do, you risk being judged as well, and in the same way, either according to the law or outside of it...the law here is the laws of morality. As a Christian, we are to leave judgement to God and to be patient and compassionate with those that have done us or others we care for an injustice, and to hope the wrongdoer comes to terms with their wrong and changes their ways.
Additionally, and this is a very important point, it is saying DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE. It isn't talking about not judging actions as wrong, or to see sin as sin and good as good. This is not judgement. It is acknowledging God's moral laws.
It isn't for us to judge someone's fate, but to simply know what actions are right and wrong, and to apply it consistently to everyone. Someone who has an affair is an adulterer. Someone who steals is a thief. What they deserve or get for that isn't up to us, but up to God and to judges if it breaks human laws.
In the same way, it isn't for us to decide what is "fair" by making exceptions or deciding someone is more guilty or less so, because of something about their situation, background, etc. Why? Because it isn't for us to judge what someone deserves either way, but to simply decide and learn what is wrong and right in actions. Choice is an action.
Finally, make sure it is a matter of fact and reality if someone did something or not. Peope lie, especially the guilty, but people also gossip, exxagerate, and sometimes assume something is true due to speculation.
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Something that made me think
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Dec 10, 2008 9:40 pm
1809 Views
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"Affairs don't end a relationship, the affair was probably the result of the end (which came already), but you just didn't know it was over (yet)." - D.W.
Interesting thought. I'd had a few like it before and felt the same way when my "D-day" (day of discovering my ex having an affair behind my back) came. But then they were just feelings and I'm more one for facts. Fact was, she never told me "it was over" and never left until the situation, me, and the other man all forced her to chose. Fact is, it isn't over until it's over.
Still, people sometimes do "leave" emotionally before they leave physically. And in her own way, and by words she told me after she was forced to confess, she "felt" it was over, or at least she claimed to along with many excuses that were not really true by her own admission later on.
So whether physically, factually, or rhetorically, DW's words made sense...people often do leave in some way before the other person knows it, and often these same people who chose to make secret one-person decisions in a relationship then may go on to having secret affairs while continuing in what they feel are "dead" relationships.
The only two flaw, for myself, in this way of thinking are two points best expressed in questions:
1) Isn't a relationship about 2 people making choices TOGETHER? It may take two people to build and maintain a relationship, but it is only fair that you at least break up together or at least have the courtesy to tell the other person you have "left" emotionally, if you're too weak or selfish to actually physically leave before cheating.
2) If you already "left" or felt the relationship was over, what right did you have to continue leaching off your ex-bf/husband/fiance emotionally, financially, or physically, while having "moved on" to another person?
The answers convict, don't they?
If you're going to leave, then leave. If you're going to leave without consulting with the man/woman you chose together to form a relationship with, so be it. Just don't be a coward and do it behind their backs. An affair is the ultimate act of such deception and cowardice.
DW is right. Affairs don't destroy relationships. People leaving do. Betrayal does. Lack of redemption does. Cowardice does.
Don't misunderstand my words. None of this frees the "other man" or "other woman" or their responsibility or blame in the affair. It doesn't! However, it isn't the other person that chose to cheat on you. It's your own wife/girlfriend/husband/bf who did that. And they did it behind your back, the same way some of them "left you" emotionally without evening telling you.
And in this is the truth of DW's words...people (your own romantic partner) destroy relationships, because (as I interpret it and see it) people are the ones who leave in their hearts and minds, even if they are still physically there. In the end, nothing can force someone to leave you. They CHOSE to leave, whatever the circumstances...affair or not.
If you've gone through finding out about your loved one having an affair behind your back and then having that person leave you, you'll have to accept something all of us who have been there must accept.
HE/SHE LEFT YOU! It wasn't because of the affair necessarily. And whatever your cheating partner said/thinks, whatever you think, the truth is that nothing can force them to leave you. In the end, affair or not, they left you because they chose to leave you. That's the truth of the matter.
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It's All Over - Part 2
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Dec 2, 2008 9:53 pm
2043 Views
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It's all over...that song by 3 Days Grace....
This is how it is when one is caught in the throngs of guilt, when one refuses to face up to one's actions, when one insists on lying to self and won't see the reality of the face in the mirror.
This is also how it feels when one is consumed with anger, bitterness, and, for some, even hate.
This is how it feels when someone can't let go of someone who has left them behind.
This is how it feels when someone unilaterally chooses to leave a close relationship without coming to terms with their partner or friend or loved one, when someone forgets or chooses to ignore the reality that relationships always start with two people and should end with two people having input, whether it is equal input or not.
These are the various emotional/mental/spiritual states of people who have betrayed someone or been betrayed by someone they are intimately close to, be it a close friendship, a loved one, or a romantic partner. It isn't just concerning adultery or cheating. It can involve many different forms of betrayal, though it's not unusual that it's perhaps most common state is over some form of betrayal in a romantic relationship.
Whether the victim or the Judas, we can get caught in a state of turmoil if we don't find a way of doing two things --- coming to terms with reality, taking self responsibility, and finally letting go in this particular order.
Accepting reality means accepting our sins (as the betrayer) or accepting what happened to us if betrayed.
Taking responsibility as the "victim" also means accepting responsibility for our present emotional state and choosing to do what it takes to move forward and heal the emotional wounds. A wound may be caused by the cut of a loved one's betrayal, but it gets deeper when we lose our sense of life, and it survives on the dark emotions of depression, anger, bitterness, hate, anguish, and sorrow. It even grows on these dark feelings.
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It's All Over - Part 1
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Dec 2, 2008 9:32 pm
2046 Views
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"It's All Over"
by Three Days Grace
Your bottles' almost empty
You know this can't go on
Because of you my mind is always racing
The needles' breaking your skin
The scar is sinking in
And now your trip begins but
It's all over for
It's all over for
You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over
I know what runs through your blood
You do this all in vain
Because of you my mind is always racing
And it gets under my skin
To see you giving in
And now your trip begins but
It's all over for
It's all over for
You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for (You, for you)
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for (You, for you)
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
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Love - reality and illusion - feelings and reality
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Nov 29, 2008 8:03 pm
1894 Views
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"You know that feeling where everything seems right, where you feel safe and you know you are doing the best you can...it's called LOVE!" - unknown
One should say, more accurately that, "You know that FEELING where everything SEEMS right, where you FEEL safe and you THINK you are doing the best you can...it's called LOVE!" - BMYX2002
Love may create illusions of perfection, especially when it's not love at all, but just passion and infatuation at best. Then it becomes conditional love. I've never known unconditional love that was so blind. It is only when we truly understand there is NEVER safety in life and not even in relationships with love, that we truly KNOW we are doing our best IF we chose to go the way of the light, that we realize what we feel isn't always to be trusted, and that what appears to be real often is not.
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I'll Be Over You
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Nov 29, 2008 7:56 pm
1813 Views
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"I'll Be Over You" by Toto
Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by
There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why
Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you
Chorus:
As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you
Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same
Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you
Chorus
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The Gears Keep Winding
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Nov 25, 2008 6:11 pm
1835 Views
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I've got a little too much time now...
When time stands still,
the mind's gears can make you crazy,
like The Eagles sang.
Gotta stop letting thoughts of past and present women
drive me insane and break my peace.
As a once close friend,
now died and buried,
once said,
you gotta keep on trucking'
gotta keep moving forward
Maybe it's not mentally "healthy"
but too much time ain't the answer to relaxing
I've got to keep busy
I have to stay active
even in my relaxing time.
That's why I do Muay Thai
Why I lift weights
Why I now am starting to fly planes
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To link to this blog (bmyx2002) use [blog bmyx2002] in your messages.
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