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The thoughts, life, and times of an American Chinese guy. Life can be strange. My fraternity brothers always said I should write a book about all the crazy things, ideas, and occurrances in my life. Even in college, my brothers knew my conservative personality and clean cut appearance didn't mean a boring person. I'm not crazy, but I have been places, had experiences, and seen events for many lifetimes in the last 10 years. I have known joy, happiness, the greatest times of my life, and felt extreme pain. I have done good and bad. The good has led to great memories. The bad has led to regrets and some of the most meaningful lessons of life.
I CAN ONLY READ ENGLISH COMMENTS ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE OF THE WAY AsiaFriendFinder IS SET UP.
PLEASE POST COMMENTS IN ENGLISH. THANKS.
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Self-Respect, Integrity, and Honor
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Nov 13, 2005 4:04 am
1152 Views
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All I can say is Thank God for prenups! A friend is going thru the same thing as me, but he's married, with a kid, and now the cheating wife has got over 10 years of alimoney, the house, half his assets, and child support. She has primary custody too. With the exception of child support, she deserves nothing but a pleasant goodbye at the door.
He's another cynic towards marriage now and who can blame him.
My friend's "wife" who was demanding a divorce for 2 years, who was caught red-handed of cheating in the 2nd year (that's why she really wanted a divorce), but suddenly gets all reluctant when my friend took the strong stance. She did a comple 180 degree turnaround, when he walked out for 2 weeks after her forced confession. For one year they tried to make it work, but he couldn't forgive her and she never fully acknowledged there was no excuse for her affairs (she cheated with more than one man). She finally saw what she was losing for her fling, but he decided the moment her knew she cheated that he was going to leave her.
In the personal hell his "wife" put him through, he never once lost his dignity nor will he even consider dating until his divorce is final.
That is an integrity his "wife" will never have. When she goes on to the next life, she will die in disgrace, but him with honor.
Maybe she did have problems with their relationship, and maybe he was partly responsible, but when did that ever justify an affair? More importantly, how many couples in long term relationships can say they always felt 'in love'? Love's more than some emotion.
And what was she thinking, having the affair AFTER just a few months of the birth of their first child? He spent almost a year off work just to be with her and their child.
I knew this first couple for almost 10 years. They were the couple I looked up to as what marriage should be. He never lost his integrity, dignity, or self-respect through the hell she put him through. I have more respect for him than I ever did before.
I never knew her at all it seems. I admired her once, but now I wouldn't even consider her a friend. She has no honor.
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8
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Forgetting It All
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Nov 11, 2005 3:40 am
Mood: angry,
1317 Views
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When I get weary and tired, I find myself wondering how I'll get it all.
I think about all the advice, ideas, and appraches I've heard on how to deal with this breakup...and it seems there must be a common truth to it all.
Some say time heals and one day you will forget it all or lose all the pain and love for her. Others say it never goes away and it just becomes a part of me.
I'm the last one with any right to judge others or their motives. Yet, one of the many things I've learned through a broken heart is that what someone says and their true agenda are not always the same. Often, the person is not actually intentionally lying, unless you count self-deceit and confusion as intentional.
When I stand at the cross roads before me, I agree with those that say I have to make a decision and committ to that road. If I don't I'll be stuck in shock and indecision forever.
So I've made one choice tonight. I've asked the question enough. This love and the pain will never go away. In time, it will be ok, manageable, and if I push myself I'll survive; but I'll never fully recover, especially when I am facing a woman that cannot even know what she truly wants and is still in the midst of her betrayal towards me. She doesn't hate me, but her action is the most hateful thing one can do to another human being they professed to love.
I chose to also believe she still loves me. It may not be as real as I'd hoped. It may not be unconditional, but it's all she was and is capable of. What matters is that I somehow managed to truly love her unconditionally and I though I don't want to, though I even tried to deny it once in the beginning of this dark journey, I know I'll never be able to stop loving her. In time, my passion will flicker out and I won't be in love with her anymore. I am thankful that selfish passion will die if I let it, and I hope it comes soon.
For those that have been through this, and honestly admitted the love and pain never ceases I give my thanks. For those that were hurt but never really loved their past partner(s) I am thankful. For those that have truly loved and hope the pain will go away with the love, I can only say everyone is entitled to hope.
So here I stand. With memories that will never fade, a pain that can only dull out but never cease, and a love that pains me so.
What will I do with this girl? I love her, but she's hurt me and continues to. This chapter of my life may be closing and if it is, so will all I gave up for it. And that is what makes it so difficult. It's not just this girl but all I gave up for her:
1. So many of my friends have moved on. There wasn't enough time for them and her.
2. My carefree days before truly loving someone are gone. Living for the moment, running between a successful career and fun weekends are gone. It means finding new singles to hang out with. The old ones are all married.
3. So many possibilities for other intelligent, funny, and attractive women were passed up for her.
4. I lost myself for so long. I must find who I am again.
It's time to move on with or without her. I'm going to have some serious discussion with her on this relatonship in the next week.
If we break off completely, I'm quite fearful of how to deal with anger, jealousy, and rage what she has done and is still doing. And how unappreciative she was in the opportunities provided to her. I'll have to deal with all of this.
A new therapy named EMDR tends to help with emotional detachment from traumatic events like this. Hopefully it will greatly reduce the pain.
The issue of forgiveness will be the hardest to address.It's hard to forgive an on-going act. And even harder to forgive the other man. I may forgive internally but never tell them. Easing their guilt woould only encourage such actions in the future.
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9
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Recovery vs. Survival
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Nov 9, 2005 9:49 am
Mood: confused,
1352 Views
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I think I finally understand the suffering is not only about love. It's much more about how I'm responding to the loss and betrayal, then I realized before.
My dispair is now not about if I will survive, but if I can come out of this undamaged. I look around my circle of friends, co-workers, and here, and it seems few ever fully recover. So many people are walking around, not only "changed forever", but with wounds that never healed.
Time does help us recover, and I suspect unless we actively fight it, our mind naturally sews us up emotionally. This doesn't mean we are fully restored though, just patched up.
I don't want to just survive. I'm pretty sure I have to discover, work through, and let go of all the internal reasons (thoughts, fears, expectations) that have caused me to respond to this failed relationship as I have.
I think full recovery, and losing all the emotional baggage from this, takes "reconciliation".
I've heard of those that finally reconciled with their partner. By this, I don't mean they neccessarily got back together, but that they definitely worked through what happened or how each of them felt/thought/made choices that led to the breakdown between them, even if it meant that in the end they still went their seperate ways.
I think most of these "reconciled" couples were able to do so because they stayed in contact and communicated through it all.
However, others say this isn't healthy and regular contact only leaves the wounds open. And that one needs to reconcile the matter on their own, which obviously presents its difficulties. I suspect it's kind of like playing tennis by yourself.
I'm not sure which way is best. I don't know. I'd appreciate the wisdom of those who've been here in their lives or have seen friends who have.
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8
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Different Paths
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Nov 9, 2005 12:25 am
1203 Views
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A very wise Asia FriendFinder member was very right, when he stated that during the process of grieving, it's very normal to think of people and events that are not or appear to not be related to the person we are mourning over.
Today I thought about an old fraternity friend. DA and I met during my first year out of school, when he rushed my university's chapter. We got to know each other well over the years.
Life is ironic. He was an agnostic and did what he wanted - sex, drinking, whatever. I was much more controlled.
Over the years, we both changed. We went in opposite directions. He's now married, a devoted Christian, and settled into family life. I'm single, finding my faith again, and struggling with the decisions of my life.
I remember our last meeting before Thanksgiving 2004. We thought about all the great memories and friends from the past. He encouraged me to be the man I was meant to be.
I look at him and wonder how he became the mentor. We took different paths. He took the narrow one.
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To Know Emptiness
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Nov 8, 2005 4:45 pm
Mood: hopeful,
1227 Views
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When God made man, he was lonely, so God made woman from man.
They were naked, but they did not know. They were sinless, for they did not know good or evil.
Then they ate of the fruit (apple) of the tree "of knowledge of good and evil".
When I was young, I was happy. I was alone. I knew no other way.
One day I got a crush. I knew infatuation. So now I knew desire and loneliness.
Later, I fell in love. Now I knew yearning.
Still later, I found true love. Now I knew fulfillment.
Eventually, I saw betrayal. Now I knew emptiness.
Perhaps one day I will find myself again. Then I will know true peace.
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3
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Killing Himself
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Nov 8, 2005 3:27 am
1268 Views
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I'm staying with a couple of friends right now. I'm glad to not be alone at this time.
Unfortunately, one of them is literally killing himself. He's a diabetic and in his mid 40's. The cause is due to obesity and a lifetime of overeating. His doctor has told him to stay away from heavy carbs, alchohol, and smoking.
I'm seen him struggle with his passion for eating, good liquor, and fine tobacco for longer than any relationship with a woman.
Yet, he is losing the battle. In fact, it seems he has given up, going crazy on the food, alchohol, and smoking.
Every morning I hear him wake up, go to wash his face, and cough up a storm. His gagging is like my personal wakeup call.
He is literally killing himself!
What's the lesson here?
1. Men and women may come and go, but friends can last a lifetime. I see this is sometimes so sadly true.
2. You can kill yourself if you keep doing that which is unhealthy. Lack of forgiveness, anger, and bitterness may be natural feelings when I'm hurt; but it made me realize so clearly why I have to let go of these emotions. Otherwise, I'm just hurting myself.
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3
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It Takes Time - Love Hurts
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Nov 8, 2005 12:47 am
Mood: disappointed,
1181 Views
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I wish I could change the past, but I cannot. I wish I could forget her, but this takes a lifetime. I wish I could stop loving her, but real love won't die. I want another chance, but it's not my choice.
Finally, in my sea of dispair, as I was sinking....I thought -
"I hope I can love her without wanting or desire", and so I realized "It takes time", and until then "love hurts".
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Betrayal
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Nov 8, 2005 12:39 am
Mood: crushed,
1186 Views
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It's so hard to grieve, forgive, and let go. A simple idea that's so difficult to do. And even harder when the reality of betrayal and deceit stare you in the face.
The love remains and yearns for forgiveness. The betrayal overcomes with disillusion, depression, and trauma. The deceit creates anger and thoughts of vengeance - things that tear apart the remains of a broken heart and threaten to make you into who hurt you (selfish, cruel, and guilty).
Lastly, the breakup leaves so much grief. Grief of lost dreams and hopes destroyed. And strangely, the easiest part to accept.
Breakups happen. When there is honesty and no betrayal, the heart mends after a time. Betrayal is harsh. You are left to sew yourself up, to be your own doctor. Life is never the same when the one you love violates your trust.
I wish the mind could change our emotions faster. Why can't one just grieve and forgive in a day, a week, or a month?
Why must a man or woman suffer through dark times to be honest and true in any new relationships? or risk hurting others and themselves, as they were hurt?
We are a fallen race. Ever hoping, ever imperfect, ever erratic.
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To Lie Down in Green Pastures
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Nov 6, 2005 4:54 am
Mood: contemplative,
1291 Views
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A good shepherd often urges his sheep to lie down in the grass they are at, because something bad is coming. The shepherd is God and we are the sheep. Lying down is the act of trust in God. It is doing what we know to be right.
It is true that what one sows, one will reap. Good comes from good, and evil from evil.
What is ‘right for you’ is never wrong. What is ‘wrong for you’ is never right. No good can come from evil.
Listen to your Shepherd. Do what is right and you will receive what is best for you.
So often we forget the green pastures we already have and we keep looking for something better.
Sometimes you already have what you need with the person you are with. Work with them to build a lasting relationship. The winners in the dating game are not the ones with the most discarded relationships. Each one brings pain, especially if within a marriage. The winners are those that manage to make there first marriage work or have long-term serious relationships that lead into marriage. Otherwise, you get trapped in this endless cycle of pleasure and pain from being in love followed by failure after the good feelings are gone.
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Greener Pastures
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Nov 6, 2005 4:46 am
Mood: contemplative,
1163 Views
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People tend to always look for something better. They always think the grass is greener on the other side. They buy into this idea that someone "perfect" for them will somehow complete them (i.e. "the one", a "soulmate", etc.)
So many start a relationship by falling ‘in love’, only to later see this person isn’t right for me. They think “what’s missing?” and the interest wanes or wanders.
Accept that you are imperfect and so is your lover. Take the opportunity you have to transition from a passion that naturally ebbs and flows to the more giving thing that is really love.
If someone knows they are loved, they rarely leave. If you are loving someone in choice and action, you will rarely leave.
As for needing to be happy with our lover, is it fair to expect another person to “make” you happy? Is it fair to expect to always be happy?
Maybe we need to find happiness inside ourselves. And to accept that nobody is always happy. Peace and contentment are enough. Life is always going to include suffering and pain. By accepting this, we may avoid unnecessary pain. Sometimes that is all there is to the matter.
It’s not the perfect person that makes a good relationship, but how well we treat
the other person. If we are not perfect, don’t expect your lover to be. Love them for who they are.
Would you prefer to always be in love, knowing the feeling always ends, and that you will go from one lover to another through a life-time of pain and pleasure? Or would you chose to have one lover from the day you meet to the end of your life, knowing you will love each other until the end but that the in love feeling will end after a time?
It’s important you and any potential partners agree on this early on, before you fall in love. God have mercy on you, if either of you fall in love at first sight. Those in love are often blind and will agree to anything to get that pleasurable rush. That doesn’t mean they are always the truly loving kind.
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