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The thoughts, life, and times of an American Chinese guy. Life can be strange. My fraternity brothers always said I should write a book about all the crazy things, ideas, and occurrances in my life. Even in college, my brothers knew my conservative personality and clean cut appearance didn't mean a boring person. I'm not crazy, but I have been places, had experiences, and seen events for many lifetimes in the last 10 years. I have known joy, happiness, the greatest times of my life, and felt extreme pain. I have done good and bad. The good has led to great memories. The bad has led to regrets and some of the most meaningful lessons of life.
I CAN ONLY READ ENGLISH COMMENTS ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE OF THE WAY AsiaFriendFinder IS SET UP.
PLEASE POST COMMENTS IN ENGLISH. THANKS.
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Cheating '70s Style
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Nov 5, 2005 8:21 pm
Mood: amused,
1183 Views
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- Michael Kelso, That '70s Show
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(Straight lust vs. emotions)
"When guys cheat, it because we need some hot action.
When girls cheat, it's worse, cause they don't even like sex!"
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(Feelings)
"I know why I cheated. You always make me feel bad. You make me think I'm not good enough. We have to break up, Jackie."
"Michael, no, can we talk about it?"
"No."
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(Getting back together)
"Me and Jackie are as done as this hot dog. This hot dog ain't done!"
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Changing Your Relationship
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Nov 5, 2005 2:15 am
1090 Views
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If you continue in the same relationship, with the same people, then you get the same result. For couples with troubled relationships, this means FAILURE.
So how do you avoid failure if your romantic relationship is in crisis?
Neither of you have to change. Real love means accepting your lover as each of you are unconditionally. Unless one or both of you are committing an overtly destructive act (like cheating or physical abuse), nobody needs to change. It is how you RELATE to each other that must change.
Have you ever seen a couple that are different and yet happy together? Have you seen people with common culture, education, and social class that are clearly unhappy? It's not always about common background or interests.
It's not about how much two people have in common that matters. It's about how well they get along. This determines if they stay together.
Compatibility is not about being the same. It's about positively RELATING to the other person.
If two people get along, they will like to spend time together. If they spend time together, they develop common interests and activities. The challenge is to get along first. The rest will come naturally.
It's about communication and it's amazing how bad mankind is at it! Just look at world history.
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Why Do We Really Miss Our Lost Love?
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Nov 5, 2005 1:32 am
1094 Views
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I MISS YOU
"I miss you in so many ways.
I miss your smile,
The love you showed me,
Your openness and your kindness,
But mostly I miss your friendship and the dreams that would have come true because you were in my life."
After a relationship breaks up, most people are depressed and sad. The surface answer seems to be because you love them. A slightly deeper answer would be you miss.
However, what is the real and full truth of the matter? Why do we miss the our lost lover?
The above poem I found seems to reflect it well.
We are really missing the familiar. Worse, we are seeing the dreams and hopes we had disappear. It becomes clear what we had is gone. We invested our time, emotions, energy, and hopes in those dreams! We don't like this at all.
A friend of mine who went through a divorce 15+ years ago said it best. It makes BOTH of you realize that THIS IS LIFE! What have we been doing? Is this how I want my life to be? Is this the relationship I want?
When a relationship fails we are forced to look back at all the mistakes that were made, of opportunities lost due to selfishness/pride/lack of thought, etc. And in true and flawed human nature, we don't want to accept this. We want to avoid seeing this painful reality at all cost, because people don't respond well to pain or failure.
A lot of times, we want the lost lover back, because we don't want to face the pain of failure. We think if we save the relationship, all that time and effort is justified...that somehow it was all worth it.
THE TRUTH IS THAT WHAT WAS ONCE THERE IS GONE FOREVER. The relationship that failed CANNOT BE SAVED!
If there is reconciliation with our lover, it is going to be a new relationship. All that came before is in the past. All the hurtful things you did to each other are history. All the time, energy, and hope you put in before is also history. Let go of the past and start over with him or her, if you are given a second chance.
So why should you want to start a new relationship with an ex-lover? Some look at the negative and suggest there must have been good reasons for you breaking up.
That is a matter of perspective.
Turn it around. Look at the positive. There must have been good reasons for why you became lovers. If those reasons are still there, and they usually are, then you just need to change the way you RELATE to each other.
Why is this true? If you have the same people, doing the same things, you will get the same result. If you have the same people, doing different things, you get a different result.
All other things being equal, if something changes, then the outcome changes. This reality is found in math and science. If you change the value of one variable, the solution for other variables change. If you change one component of a chemical, you go for H2O (water) to H2 (hydrogen).
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Carry Me Home
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Nov 4, 2005 12:14 pm
Mood: exhausted,
1079 Views
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I am so tired. My mind is numb. My body aches. My heart longs for days gone by, people lost, and dreams faded. I don't want to walk the road before me. The cross I must bear is so great.
God, take me in your hands and comfort me. Carry me for I cannot take these steps on my own. Take me home.
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Wisdom
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Nov 4, 2005 12:06 pm
Mood: frustrated,
1094 Views
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A wise man learns from others. He avoids unneccessary pain by following the trustworthy advice of others. He doesn't listen to the lies and deceit of those that would lead him astray. And when suffering does come, he learns from it.
The Bible says a righteous man has faith in the Word of God, knowing that following it leads to life and not following it leads to death (in all its' forms).
I am not wise, though I can express myself well in words. I have knowledge but a truly wise man is one that knows how to apply knowledge well. I'm still learning to do that.
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Why Men Are Happier with Marriage
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Nov 3, 2005 4:47 pm
Mood: thoughtful,
1016 Views
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I read an interesting article on Slate magazine named "Why Men Pay To Stay Married And women pay to get divorced".
The article is at http://asiafriendfinder.com=94243.
Here's a summary of what I read. It's not the actual article, since I don't want to violate any copyrights.
In the year following a divorce, women's living standards fall by 27 percent while men's living standards rise by 10 percent, according to the Social Science Research Council.
Feminists have claimed that divorce laws are unfair to women.
However, there's another perspective on this. Marriage is unfair to men. A man who stays married is forced to sacrifice 10 percent of what he could make being single.
Let's look at a little economics before deciding who's right. Remember that prices indicate value. If men stay in marriages that cost them money, doesn't that prove they value marriage? They're getting something they value, and they're willing to paying for it. Nothing unfair about that.
So if a women would take a big financial hit to get divorced, she must really hate being married, right? So could it be that marriage makes women unhappy? Not neccessarily, since not all divorces are voluntary on the woman's part. Here's a better possible explanation --- married men, in effect, pay their wives to stay married (by providing a lifestyle where she can spend more than if she were single). Why pay a woman to stay married? You'd have to assume she considered marriage unpleasant?
Of course there are exceptions to this rules, just as there are deviations to the rule that a divorced woman's living standard drops by 27 percent in the first year.
It's not that every man prefers marriage and every woman prefers divorce. Could it be that in general marriage is usually good for men and bad for women? Why else would men pay to stay married and women pay to get divorced?
Could this be rooted in economics and biology? An aging woman who wants a family is forced to choose the best option available. An aging man can always choose to wait another five or 10 years, so a woman's best plan is to settle for someone and try to change him later. A man's best plan is to take time to find someone he already likes as they are. If this is true, then women are more likely to regret their marriages. Because, as we all learn in time, changing ourselves is all we can do. We can rarely change others at our will.
So maybe it all makes sense. Fairness never had anything to do with it.
What are your thoughts on this? Remember that the above are not my opinions.
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The Mess
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Nov 3, 2005 5:14 am
Mood: aggravated,
1147 Views
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Well, my ex Nitt spoke to me on the phone a few times today. She had come up for the previous weekend. She was depressed and worried, as usual, about me, herself, and him.
She had "left me" for a married man 14 years older. This happened in the middle of this year.
He had pressured her to leave me, due to his jealousy. It sounds crazy but some people are. She couldn't leave me, but I found out because of all her guilty behaviour over the previous 2 months.
Well, after she left me, we both drove back to her apartment for a week. She then started seeing me and him on alternating weekends. And now I see her at my apartment on most weekends. We talk daily. They do too.
I don't know what has been accomplished here. We see each other weekly, sleep in the same bed, attest our love for each other, and yet there's no sex since I found out. It's understood I am looking for another relationship. She expresses jealousy when I am in contact with other women, but she knows this is of her creation.
I wonder how things will be in one year. With my absence, their affair will likely end in less than 1 year. It took the two of us to fill the void she had. On the other hand, if I stay in the picture as her security blanket, and as his competitor, their affair could go on indefinitely.
I'm going to let the status quo be for now. Once I meet more people for activities and casual dating, I'll just start moving away from Nitt.
It is hard to admit, but I don't see seperation and distance being the way to let go for us. It will probably be more of putting a number of relationships between us to reduce the pain, so we can turn into friends.
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The first girl I fell in love with - Part 3
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Nov 2, 2005 11:31 am
Mood: confused,
1186 Views
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After Anne, which some Asia FriendFinder members have wisely shown me was most likely a rebound relationship, came Nitt.
She was quite a girl. I couldn't figure out why I fell in love with her almost at first sight. She was more demure than anyone else I'd known. She had that shoulder length black hair, and she was Asian. When I tried to figure out what was going on, in my daze and confusion, all I realized was she had somehow hit my "love map".
There is a concept that all of us develop an ideal of who our partner should be, and that the traits we seek mostly form from experiences from earlier childhood (3-5 years old).
What I didn't consciously realize was that I was still looking for the first girl I ever fell in love with, whom I had named Mary.
I am sure Nitt was Mary in person for me. And so, as I finally reflect on my life for over a decade, it comes down to this. Like so many of us here, I had my own concept of the perfect partner. Instead of calling her a soulmate or "the one", I just gave her a name.
If there's a lesson learned here, it is that pursuing some image of the perfect mate is a bad idea. You never know who the one you are seeking for a life's partner will look or be like. They are not found in dreams or fate, but in how we relate to others when we are finally able to go beyond the selfish pashions of being in love to learn what true love is. Like many have noted, it is more a matter of when we are finally ready and timing is a very important factor.
I've learned that lesson.
Now comes the harder lesson of accepting the past is over. We never know what the future holds, to borrow Nitt's words. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't. And as "fresh horses" advised, I have to ask who I will be and what I will do if Nitt does return one day.
I don't know.
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Sometimes the ones you least expect come back
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Nov 2, 2005 2:10 am
Mood: happy,
1096 Views
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After last relationship got into trouble with Nitt, who was my Mary, I found myself looking through my past.
At first it was just the current relationship, but then it spread to include all the women I had ever dated. And then it went back towards my college, high school, and grade school days. A lot of memories were of things unrelated to relationships. I suppose they were reminders of simpler times, when I was single and happy.
Going through my dating past, I saw the transgressions to Houng. I wrote her a letter and sent it by email.
I didn't expect a response, and if one did come, I thought it would be something to the effect of "I accept your late apology though our friendship is gone."
Instead, Houng was very polite. She apologized for taking a week to get back to me due to email access. She said she doesn't worry about the past much and the apology isn't neccessary given she's forgetten the details. She was more concerned if my current life events led to the late apology. Houng even offered to provide any assistance I may need.
Now that is a true friend. It lasts. Being 'in love' never lasts that long.
So my friend is probably back. The idea of me being in love with Houng again probably won't come back. Look back at it, it was all pretty crazy being how the illusions of being in love can make someone.
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The first girl I fell in love with - Part 2
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Nov 1, 2005 9:59 pm
Mood: satisfied,
1176 Views
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After Houng, I drifted for 1.5 years. The first 8 months after losing my friend was miserable. I'd never felt such a loss in my life before.
I was hurt. At the time, I didn't observe this, but it wasn't losing someone I thought I was in love with that hurt so much. I was actually missing one of my best friends terribly. I went through all the stages of loss - denial (I chose avoidance), anger, depression, anger, and finally acceptance. I never grieved, and caused damage until recently. That is why it is so important to face one's fears before hurt becomes lingering pain.
I drifted for a while in my personal life. Somehow, through all the random dating and faces, I met Anne. I liked her, she wanted me, and I learned it was possible to care about someone even if you didn't love them in any way. She was so in love, she made me feel comfortable, and I didn't want to hurt her. She was obsessed with getting married. It was going to be a house, 2 kids, 2 cars, and the handsome smart husband with a successful career. It took 3 years to break it off, and even then it was because I finally lost the nerve to marry someone I did not love but whom I cared deeply for.
I was more romantic with Anne than any other woman, before or since. She scared me away more than any woman before or since.
When I broke up with Anne, I was miserable for 3.5 months. She found someone else in less than 3 weeks.
Good for her!
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