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The thoughts, life, and times of an American Chinese guy. Life can be strange. My fraternity brothers always said I should write a book about all the crazy things, ideas, and occurrances in my life. Even in college, my brothers knew my conservative personality and clean cut appearance didn't mean a boring person. I'm not crazy, but I have been places, had experiences, and seen events for many lifetimes in the last 10 years. I have known joy, happiness, the greatest times of my life, and felt extreme pain. I have done good and bad. The good has led to great memories. The bad has led to regrets and some of the most meaningful lessons of life.
I CAN ONLY READ ENGLISH COMMENTS ON MY BLOG, BECAUSE OF THE WAY AsiaFriendFinder IS SET UP.
PLEASE POST COMMENTS IN ENGLISH. THANKS.
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The first girl I was in love with - Part I
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Nov 1, 2005 8:58 pm
Mood: sad,
1071 Views
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It sounds ironic, from someone who believes true love is a decision and not a feeling, but the first girl I ever fell in love with was in a dream.
It was my first and last semester at FSU, it was in the fall of 1991, and I lived in an apartment where my bedroom was cold like a refrigerator. I was huddled in my comforter with my heavy sweat pants and shirt. I dreamt of a girl with black shoulder length hair. She was shorter than me, small, and somehow I knew she represented the undefinable common thing that made me see all the girls I'd been infatuated with were somehow just one person.
Looking back, I know now back then I was looking for a special someone to spend my life with. That was the common undefineable thing. I never knew if I would find this girl. At the time, I knew I was in love with her, and I named her Mary. I thought she was just an imaginary person. At least I knew this in my conscious mind.
Sub-consciously, I spent the next 9 years looking for her. This story is about the first girl I met in that search.
A short time after I dreamt of Mary, I spent the Thanksgiving holiday at home. That is when my sister's friend Houng came by. I'd seen Houng many times in school. She was one year behind me and 1-2 years younger. However, this time we ended up speaking more than the usual hello. She asked about FSU and mentioned she was thinking of transferring there.
I transferred back to UCF, my hometown public university, the next semester. Houng and I ended up going out with my sister/her boyfriend on weekends when she was in town. We were both looking for a dance partner or someone to hang out with. In time, we went to clubs together, drank together, she was my "date" for my fraternity formal, and we went on quite a few "double dates". We emailed each other weekly, sometimes daily. We spoke on the phone every 2-3 weeks. It was understood we were "just friends", but I sometimes wondered. We both dated a lot of people during our friendship, and comments like "B., one day you will forget me with all these girls in your life" made me wonder. In time, I fell in love with Houng. Looking back, Houng was actually my first attempt at finding Mary. She fit the image of Mary. Houng added more charachteristics to Mary too. Houng was demure, Asian, strong yet gentle, so that was what Mary became.
In time, the unspoken feelings and resulting jealousy took some strange turns, a couple of misunderstandings occurred, and it all ended in an email. She was the strongest, most intelligent, and most independent woman I have ever known. Pride and ego got in the way. Still, I knew later that it was an image I fell in love with. It was never Houng I had fell in love with. It was Mary.
I learned my first lesson of what true love is and is not. And that is this --- there is a form of love greater than being "in love". It's called friendship. I regret losing one of my best friends, Houng, along the way.
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The Best Times of My Life
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Oct 31, 2005 12:05 pm
Mood: nostalgic,
1010 Views
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It's human to look back on our lives, after time has removed or dulled the pain of memories, so we can nostalgically look at events and people of the past with rose colored glasses.
Yet, there are the times of my life, even as I was living them, that I knew would be among the best.
Never did I appreciate high school so much then in my last two years. When it came time to leave, as I watched the morning fog lift and saw familiar faces walk away, I drove away from my class graduation party. I went home to sleep. I could not. I stayed up all day, thinking about how I didn't want it to all end but knowing I could not stop it. I never thought I would experience a greater time in my life.
Fortunately, my days in college and my fraternity days were better. My closest friends are men I met as brothers, not by birth, but by an organization we freely joined. I often look at a picture from those days, as I sit with a soda in my hands, surronded by friends all smiling, the "frat dog" wagging his tail, the banner behind me, and my adoring girlfriend by my side. We were all smiling. We were happy and nobody was worrying about the next day, career, family, or our human mortality.
Yet, things did get better, and better still. I travelled the world, saw exotic places, and went on to meet many more people and experience things I never thought I would.
I don't think much about one of my best friends, a smart girl, who broke my heart with unrequitted love. I don't think much about Yvonne or Andrea, both women I never managed to take from dating to a relationship. I don't think much about these things, but I still remember the hurt feelings. I just don't feel them so much anymore. Except for 2 exceptions (women who really got to my heart and soul with love), I only remember faces and the positive experiences, for my feelings, good or bad, are so very numb now.
Life is like this. For most people, who don't get caught in the down parts of life and relationships too long, the good times keep coming along with more bad times.
When we are going through a really difficult and bad time, especially if it's a longer period of recovery from a serious or long-term relationship, we forget that based on past experiences, more good times are awaiting us. And history will prove true, until the day we manage to get stuck in the black hole of some bad experience. It is hard to do but simple...we need to all keep walking.
As they say in Jamaica, good journey and "walk well".
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What Love Really Is?
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Oct 31, 2005 3:33 am
Mood: hopeful,
1055 Views
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I've read a lots of definitions of love here in AFF.
There is being "in love", which equates really to passion, infatuation, and physical attraction. This is the "eros" form of love. It is generally a selfish form of "affection". We like someone because being around them makes us feel good. Even if that person is not right for us, or is actually bad for us, we will pursue them very often, because they make us feel good. And one of the biggest things about this form of affection is that it is really 90% about us and not the one we are "in love" with. We like how they make us feel special, how they treat us, and how they make us feel like a king or princess. It is a selfish thing. It is also a chemical rush in the early stages of most romantic relationships. A lot of people call this form of love chemistry or natural attraction. It always wanes and disappears.
There is conditional love. This form of love is based on the idea that you love someone so long as they do this or don't do that, or that they are this type of person and not that type of person. Here, a couple are together for mutual benefits. It is still selfish, but they try to meet each others desires so they get what they want. Since people change in desires, charachter, etc., conditional love eventually fades too.
True (unconditional) love. This is the type of love that should exist for live long marriages. When two people have graduated to this form of love, they look at what is best for their partner. They unselfishly put their spouse's needs first. Since both of them are doing the same thing, both get many of their desires met. More importantly, since the love is unconditional, there is nothing one expects from the other, and no failure is unforgiveable. They accept each other as they are. Few marriages have this type of love in it, and that is probably why the divorce rate is so high.
I have noticed that many women believe you must stay "in love" for a relationship to last. Some men think the same. The truth is that over a lifelong relationship, it's not realistic to think a couple will always feel "in love". What they can do is to make an ongoing decision to love each other unconditionally. True love is unconditional, and it is also a decision. It is not a feeling. You don't have to feel true love for it to be there.
Unfortunately, too many people learn this view of love only after a very painful breakup. This is taught in many churches and by relationship counselors. They should teach this in high schools as a "relationship and dating" class. We teach sex education, but we really need more relationship education.
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The Conflict Within Ourselves
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Oct 30, 2005 2:19 am
Mood: content,
1113 Views
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I wish I knew what I now know about people. I wish I knew these things just 2 years ago, but better if I knew them 11 years ago.
Conflict is the bane of humanity. From the beginning, when Adam and Eve fell from grace and God banished them from Paradise, we have struggled as a race. (Yes, this is a Christian perspective.)
The conflict between people takes form in war, divorce, and personal enemies. However, the greater conflict is that within ourselves. It is in our own minds and hearts (conscience and not emotions/feelings) that the battle of choice occurs. It is in the hearts and minds of men that evil is born, faith and compassion found, and our perspective on the world created.
That is why many say it is not what happens in our lives that matters, but how we respond to what happens to us in life. If we can resolve the conflict inside ourselves, and overcome the fear that drives us to emotionally resist or control negative events in our lives, we can act more rationally to the external negative events in a productive and constructive way.
An example can be found in romantic relationships in trouble. A breakup is apparently impending, where one person wants to leave or appears so far away. The other person is in fear of her fiance leaving her. The first problem is inside herself. She is afraid of something, but it's not really that of her fiance leaving. She may not want that, but her extreme fear and pain is not caused by that. What is she really afraid of? Being alone, being worthless, being adandoned, being unloved, etc. What is the real cause(s) of her fear? She must confront it and overcome that fear, by accepting that maybe the fear is real, but so what? If it's real, accept it and change, and if it's irrational then overcome it.
The second problem can now be addressed. It is the external issue. It is the relationship and all it's problems. Now that she has addressed her fears, felt it, and let the fear go, she can find ways to reconcile the troubled relationship. And in the event that reconciliation is not possible, she can accept losing her fiance even though she doesn't want such an outcome.
If she doesn't resolve the internal problem within herself first, she will be gripped by fear and all it's emotions, that she will act desperately with anger, pleading, and hang on so tightly that it makes it more likely her fiance will leave. The fear will literally garuntee a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If they break up, does this mean she won't hurt or suffer some? Of coarse she will. But it won't be a traumatic shock that leaves long-lasting or even life-long pain (unresolved hurt that never goes away).
Sometimes we do not get what we want, but if we can overecome the real fears that drive our emotional reactions to outside events (like relationships going bad), then we can avoid a lot of trauma, avoidable pain, and not continue in the illusion that we need and cannot live without a person or relationship. We can then do our best to work things out in the relationship. And if it doesn't work out, we can feel the hurt and release the emotions in a healthy way and move on. Otherwise, we end up with more pain (unresolved hurt) which feeds the internal fear which leads to more problems in the next relationship.
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Destiny
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Oct 30, 2005 1:56 am
Mood: melancholy,
1016 Views
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The following was a response I posted to EZ2LOOKATAZN's blog. His post was on a question about how faith, karma, and serendepity affects our live.
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I think our faith affects how fate, karma, and serendepity are viewed.
I believe fate is what happens to us based on our moral choices in response to situations/events which we sometimes create and which God brings about. Nonetheless, within the chosen or pre-arranged events, it is our moral choices that drive the outcome.
Karma taken outside of the religious connotations of certain religions, is simply that idea that "what goes around comes around". I think our conscience, feelings of shame/guilt, and the resulting sub-conscious knowledge that we deserve what we did to others often leads those who have hurt others to eventually bring the same things upon themselves through their own actions. Also, future relationships often bring old skeletons out of the closet, and people/society often avoid those who have hurt others in the past. In this
way, I believe God created mechanisms in this world to reward, discipline, or punish. But I don't believe in reincarnation or karma through multiple lives. I think life here is a one shot deal, then we move on to eternity.
Serendepity. I've known it and seen it. Sometimes
you meet someone so different that only an unusual or a random set of decisions and occurrances could lead to it. I've been there. These events are great experiences, but we should be cautious about taking them beyond the moment. In many ways, these events are not meant to last. I remember such an event with a girl named Yuki 6 years ago. We met at midnight, spent the night watching a beauty pageant, drinking Carlsburg beer, and then she came back to my hotel, where I packed and spoke about our lives (and nothing more), and we said our goodbyes at the airport. I was on vacation and we both knew we'd never meet again. She hugged and kissed me and I saw her walking away. I did not
love her. I cannot even say I liked her romantically. And yet, we were more than just friends. I felt we connected in some way between our souls.
I felt sad when I saw her walk away at the airport, after hugged and kissed me. Her doing that took me by suprise. We both knew we would never see or hear from each other again. That's serendepity.
Then there is tragedy. It sometimes happens when we take serendepitious events beyond the moment. Sometimes we go with our feelings and ignore what our heart is telling us --- that it's not meant to be past the moment. If we do that, it often leads to relationships that end in failure and pain. Sometimes it works out though. I think whether it works out is heavily affected by both our "karma"
and our actions in the relationship itself.
In the end, with fate, karma, serendepity, and potential tragedy, it always goes back to people creating their destinies through their choices in life.
Fate, karma, and serendepity are not a reflection of us having no choice. On the contrary, it is a reflection of our free will.
BTW, the above views are heavily influenced by my belief in Christianity.
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How to Save Your Relationship or Marriage?
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Oct 26, 2005 2:15 am
956 Views
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A lot of people on this site have probably been involved in the breakup of a relationship. If it was a serious and long term girlfriend, engagement, or marriage, the breakup was probably painful.
For those that saw a relationship fail with the addition of an affair, it probably hurt even more due to the destruction of trust and respect as well. The pain is usually intense for BOTH the cheater and one cheated on.
Usually, the cheater will list a bunch of excuses for his or her actions. They usually include complaints about their partner's personality or lack of attention/intimacy/etc. (attacking the other person in the relationship), claiming incompatibility (attacking the relationship itself), and claims that they had found a "soulmate" in their illicit affair (romanticizing their actions).
The one cheated on will either leave or begin a process of getting the cheater back and ending the affaiar. Which way the cheated upon acts is usually unwavering once he/she initially REACTS to knowledge of affair. I say it is a reaction more than a choice, because those cheated upon will either take an agressive stance to maintain control in the only way they can (by actively deciding leave) or to take on a "victim" mentality.
Those that take on the "victim" status will start to undergo standard behaviour to get the cheating partner back. The usually actions are moralizing, reasoning, begging, pleading, bribing, manipulating, depression, saying "I love you", etc. The list goes on and on. If you were in this position once, the odds are that you reacted as a victim too and did the above things. I am sure there are many other things I've forgotten to list.
A whole industry has been created to handle repairing of relationships. On the high end are the services of counselors, psychologists, marriage counselors, and relationship seminar gurus. These service providers will list the things that shouldn't be done and what should be too, but at anywhere from $55 to over $200 per hour.
On the cheaper end of the market are the self-help books and e-books on how to save a relationship. There is a huge online industry specifically catering to partners who have been cheated on. Most of these online relationship e-book authors have marketing sites that claim it is possible to get your ex-boyfriend, husband, or fiance back, even if they don't want to come back.
In reality, these sites are not really lying. Despite the fact they are hyping up the truth, it is always possible to get an ex to change their mind and come back. It is also true that human beings behave in certain set ways and there are therefore particular actions that increase the chances of winning an ex-lover back. But there is no garuntee it will work, even if you do everything perfectly. The reality you must accept is that once a relationship is broken, it is very hard to fix especially when a resistant partner who has physically, emotionally, or mentally left already.
I've read quite a few of these books. There is a common thread to most of them. Here is a quick summary what to do, if you really want your ex back.
1. Stop doing what does not work --- pleading, begging, reasoning, controlling or manipulating, bribing, taking a moral stance, saying "I love you", and promising to change. These all sound like what should be done, but it doesn't work almost all of the time.
2. Forget the past. That is likely the reason for most of the disagreements in the failing relationship. Don't bring the past up in the present or in any disagreement in the present. If you must fight, stick strictly to the issue being discussed.
3. Agree with whatever she is saying. Even if that means agreeing with the breakup. You can go from saying "let's break up like you want now" to "I don't want to lose you but if this is what you want, I understand."
By agreeing, you avoid a fight. That which resists persists. In other words, the more you push, the more she will resist, and the worse the fights get, and the worse the relationships get.
4. Listen to what he is saying. By agreeing with what she is saying, you are validating your partner's point of view, even if it is emotional, illogical, and stubborn. And who knows, but isn't it possible it is actually you who is wrong and just can't see it?
You agree by saying "I understand" or "I agree" or "I understand". You just agree with whatever you partner or ex says. You are reflectively listening to them.
The reason this works has been explained in many ways. The best explanation is based on human nature. If you trully listen to someone, they will think you are the greatest, and they will also start to defend instead of attacking you. It sounds crazy if you are a "fighter", but it is amazing how quickly it works if you just try it. This new skill alone will make all your relationships (work, personal, family) so much easier.
5. Do NOT talk about the relationship. "What?", you are thinking.
Well, odds are that you and your partner have likely already talked and talked, and then fought and fought more. The reason is simple. You two obviously are in a bad place in your relationship. If you "talk", you will both just come to a disagreement, like you have for so long.
The only way to stop the fighting and make you both more happy, is to stop doing what doesn't work. Stop talking about the relationship.
Instead, talk about whatever your partner wants to. If there is a lull, ask open ended questions to get him talking again. And keeping agreeing with them, listening to them, and validating their views.
Do NOT talk about the relationship. You both know the problems and neither of your views on the problem will change by talking about it anymore.
6. Be happy, even if you are hurting. Most people wanted to form a relationship and stay in a relationship because they felt happy with their partner. So you need to concentrate on making the relationship happy on a minute by minute basis.
7. Accept this truth. You may want him back so very much, but you really don't need him in your life. You only have these needs --- food, shelter, water, and maybe clothing. Everything else is just some desire (want).
The more you believe this truth, the more you will be happy or at least no so sad you can't fake geniune happiness.
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By doing all of the above, you are recreating how your relationship likely felt like when you two first met. You were both happy just being with each other. You probably felt so good about each other that listening and agreeing came naturally. And in the listening, validating, being happy in whatever you did on dates, etc. you formed a relationship over time.
Do the above and you increase your chances of saving your relationship or marriage. Just do your best and keep hope, but be realistic enough to know even if you do everything correctly above, it may still not work.
If it does work, once the relationship is to the point where both partners want to stay again, then the next step is to build a strong relationship. However, you have to rebuild the foundation first, and that's what the above information should help you with.
Brian
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Friends and Ex-Lovers
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Oct 24, 2005 9:27 pm
Mood: contemplative,
1036 Views
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Think about how you met most of your friends. Odds are, you met them at school, church, a sports team, through existing friends or family, or some common activity.
Most of our friends are the result of having some common interest or through people we know that brought us together. Most friends we have also tend to have some common history, background, or interests. My closest friends, those who are life long, go back to high school, college, and the early days of my career. My oldest friend was from grade school.
It is rare to have a friend that is your complete opposite in personality and to have no common interests. These people and you tend to have little motivation to stay in contact over the long term.
Yet, I can say I always had just one person in my life who was a friend that had both a different personality and few common interests. It was whoever was my girlfriend at the time. For some reason, it never occurred to me that the women I dated were always so different, while the women I called friends had the most common with me. I guess it was because I had never been hurt by this lack of commonality. None of those relationships had ever resulted in a deeply painful breakup until the most recent one. I guess it's human nature to ignore something until pain gives you a life lesson to remember!
How exactly did two opposites manage to attract each other, fall in love, becone friends, and form real love?
Is it possible for such opposites to actually stay together in the long run?
Some would say a couple can find common interests, experiences, etc. if they talk and spend time together doing things both enjoy. Yet, that would actually indicate "opposites" don't exist completely and that any two people will have some common interests. Otherwise, everything such a couple does would be a compromise.
Some would say with no common interests and opposing personalities (compared to personalities that are complimentary) it is unlikely that consistently stable communication can occur and common ground would be hard to find, beyond that which brings most people together --- falling in love with a handsome man/beautiful girl. The falling in love makes both blind to the others faults and only see the good.
This is a good explanation of my last romance. Could we have found common ground? Looking back, I think the answer is a definite yes. The problem is that while both of us had experience dating, neither of us had much experience in maintaining a long term relationship. Neither of us thought we had to "work" on staying together and being happy. Neither of us had learned from others or learned from a bad breakup yet.
I wish there was a high school class on staying together, or that parents would have a "relationship" talk just like they often have a talk about sex with their children. Instead, like so many people, I ended up learning about relationships through mistakes. Painful mistakes!
So what happens when you have someone in your life who likes you a lot, actually loves you, and you both want to stay friends? It can get really surreal. You have so little to talk about with her, yet you two have gone through so much together. You wonder how the two of you talked so much in the beginning and even during the relationship. Then you realize the one true common thing that existed between any two people in a relationship....the common ground was the relationhship itself!!!
However compatible or incompatible a couple may be, there is normally friendship that accompanies a romantic relationship. And the basis of that friendship IS the relationship. If it was a perfect world or we chose rationally, there would likely be other common interests, beliefs, goals, etc.
Yet, the more things a couple has in common, the more likely they will stay together. While a couple that had few common interests, or grew apart and lost their common ground, would more likely break up over time.
So maybe that is why it is so hard to stay friends with the ex. After all the pain of seperation is gone, so many past couples look into each others eyes. Some no longer see someone they are in love with. Some don't even have real love for each other anymore (if they ever had real love to start with). Most now realize they don't have enough in common to transition to a meaningful friendship. It becomes short and quick phone calls just to see how someone you once loved or still do, but are no longer with, is doing. It can get awkward caring for someone but having nothing to talk about.
It seems that when we break up with our romantic partners, there is usually no real common ground left for a sustaining friendship, even once the pain of breaking up is gone. It is sad, but if two people who loved each other couldn't manage to agree on how to stay together, how are they going to figure out how to be friends? The friendship was part of the relationship. They decided to break the relationship, so the friendship will likely end with it too.
What is more ironic is that after a breakup, and when we stop contact with the ex, that we usually go through the process of healing. So often, that requires working out the issues and questions of why and how the relationship went bad. Yet, since we cut off contact with the ex, we cannot really get the answers we need to move on to future relationships in a healthy way.
And if we stay in contact, so often there is pain, especially if one or both ex parters still love each other.
It's a catch 22. How very ironic!
And so, can we really stay friends with our ex partners in romance? For most, the answer is likely no. And I would bet that for those that do stay friends, they probably had to endure a lot of pain to get there. The friendship may be very rewarding, but I wonder how hard it is to stay in contact with the person who was once your lover while knowing you are no longer together?
Friends sometimes become lovers, but it is the rare couple that can go from romantic love to platonic friendship.
Yet, if you can't stay friends after the breakup, due to either wanting to avoid the pain or because of poor communication with the ex, you will perhaps spend more time trying to work through the issues that must be resolved to heal the wounds of your heart.
So we pay now or we pay later emotionally.
It seems it does make sense to stay friends for our own emotional health. Yet, in reality, few take this road.
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What will happen will happen.
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Oct 23, 2005 1:00 am
Mood: mellow,
1116 Views
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For those that have known love and the despair of breaking up, you know the dark side of the old question, "Is it better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all?"
At 19, I thought it was better to have loved and lost. In my 20's, it was great to have fallen in and out of love. Being in love feels great. Having someone in love with you is even better. At 33, I can say it is better to have never loved at all...well, not really. It is better to have loved and never lost! With time and experience, most of us learn. A few wise ones get it right the first time. I'm not among them.
After you leave or have left someone in a romantic relationship, we know the feelings of having no control, missing the one you may still love, and it's impact on your sense of identity. A bad breakup can shake the self-esteem of even the most secure person. Worse is the feeling that a part of you is suddenly gone. Most of us have been there. Is love worth farther risk of this pain? I don't know. I'm too young to be a wise man.
I do know one has to let go of controlling the situation. You can try to see the future without your old partner. You can try to see if you and the ex will ever get back together. You can fear what will come next. Sometimes you have already decided to leave, stay, or try to get the ex back. In the end though, life has a lesson most of us forget during the breakup and recovery or reconciliation. We forget that what actually happens is not always what we have decided to do or what we think will happen. I'm sure there are those that left a lover with no intentions of ever returning, only to realize they wanted to go back. There are those that got dumped who suddenly have an ex back at their door. Then there are those that thought they wanted to stay only to realize later that their ex actually did them a favor in leaving.
The lesson is "what will happen will happen". We can pursue the coarse we "think" we want to go in a relationship, but we can't control what the other person will do. And we never absolutely know if that other person or we might do a 180 degree change of mind and heart. In the end, nobody knows how things will work out until the very end. And the end does not always come when we expect it.
I"m not saying this is an excuse for disloyalty or cheating. People should keep their promises. I'm only saying those that leave or are left should consider this --- don't be so sure of what you think or feel you want. Human beings are complicated. We confuse reality and fantasy, passing feelings and true love, and even thoughts with feelings. Sometimes the wisest words are "I don't know" or "let's give it some time".
What will happen will happen in its' own time.
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