Joke... Zen Sarcasm
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Posted:Jun 5, 2006 7:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:39 am 4537 Views
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Just for you, Mydogateit 
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ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking , you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Funny... sayings
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Posted:May 30, 2006 9:21 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:39 am 4740 Views
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LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS
A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent.
( Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 
7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink.
(Kevin age 6)
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June 24 Get together in the Bay Area
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Posted:May 30, 2006 7:23 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:39 am 3981 Views
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SaminSanFran asked me to post this...
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When: Scheduled for Saturday June 24, 2006 @ 7:30pm
Where: Nice restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf
Parking: Street and paid lots available
Dress Code: Yes, please wear clothes, no nudes unless you are fooseplayer
What to bring: Enough $ to pay for your dinner and a positive attitude to meet new friends and re-connect with old friends.
RSVP: Yes by June 19, 2006
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Get together in the Bay Area
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Posted:May 25, 2006 7:57 am
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2006 10:54 am 4275 Views
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I'm posting this for Saminsanfran. Let me know if you can make it. Hope to see you there. 
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GTG info June 24, 2006
Time 7:30pm??
Location TBD by vote...
Proposed venues-
Cuppinos at Fisherman's wharf - moderately priced italian and seafood
Culeto & McCormicks in Ghiradelli Square.
Street parking a pay lots available.
After dinner actvity...leisurely group stroll down the wharf to watch PvtPilot and Amber hold hands while Chilly looks for his missing ear and SamInSanFran laments that he cant find any cinnamon buns to nibble on.
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This is funny story....
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Posted:May 22, 2006 10:28 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:40 am 4864 Views
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I am a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me--her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight mini-skirts. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate as she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our . Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of the story is....
Always keep your condoms in your car....."
Rgds,
Chi-Pheng
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Joke... Nagging Wife
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Posted:May 19, 2006 7:11 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:40 am 4229 Views
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
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Oil Change for men and women
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Posted:Apr 20, 2006 6:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:40 am 4951 Views
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Oil Change instructions for women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $35.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $36.00
Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under 's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
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Hazardous to your health....
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Posted:Apr 17, 2006 7:10 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 10:40 am 4850 Views
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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How to kill time at Walmart
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Posted:Apr 7, 2006 7:15 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2006 6:59 pm 4958 Views
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15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares....." and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway! .
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And last but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while, and then yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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12 Things you should never say to a cop
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Posted:Apr 6, 2006 7:46 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2006 6:59 pm 4824 Views
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1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the tru nk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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