Jane and Arlene (Joke)
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Posted:Nov 5, 2007 11:55 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2007 11:09 pm 11940 Views
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Arlene : What in the hell is that?
Jane : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene : Where did you get it?
Jane : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles hereself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
 
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5
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Quotes
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Posted:Nov 4, 2007 5:52 am
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2007 11:58 pm 10542 Views
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You cannot open a book without learning something.
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
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The Pancake
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Posted:Nov 4, 2007 5:43 am
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2007 12:28 am 10271 Views
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Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put all into the oven or on the stove, (and he didn't know how the stove worked!).
Suddenly he saw his kitten licking fromt he bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door.
Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying , hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.
That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend or we can't stand our job or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes," for God or for others. Sooner of later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried ....
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The Sense
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Posted:Nov 3, 2007 12:55 am
Last Updated:Nov 4, 2007 5:23 am 10458 Views
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Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other . But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind being guided by God and those whom he places our lives. Other times we are the guide , helping others see God.
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1
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Attitude
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Posted:Oct 31, 2007 1:28 am
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2007 5:45 pm 11362 Views
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Once there was an old and very wise man. Every day he would sit outside a gas station in his rocking chair and wait to greet motorists as they passed through his small town. On this day, his granddaughter knelt down at the foot of his chair and slowly passed the time with him.
As they sat and watched the people come and go, a tall man who surely had to be a tourist -- since they knew everyone in the town -- began looking around as if he were checking out the area for a place to live.
The stranger walked up and asked, "So what kind of town is this that we're in?" The older gentleman slowly turned to the man and replied, "Well, what kind of town are you from?"
The tourist said, "In the town I'm from everyone is very critical of each other. The neighours all gossip about everyone, and it's a real negative place to live. I'm sure glad to be leaving. It is not a very cheerful place."
The man in the chair looked at the stranger and said, "You know, that's just how this town is".
An hour or so later a family that was also passing through stopped for gas. The car slowly turned in and rolled to a stop in front of where the older gentleman and his granddaughter were sitting. The mother jumped out with two small and asked where the restrooms were. The man in the chair pointed to a small, bent-up sign that was barely hanging by one nail on the side of the door.
The father stepped out of the car and also asked the man, "Is this town a pretty good place to live?"
The man in the chair replied, "What about the town you are from? How is it?"
The father looked at him and said, "Well, in the town I'm from everyone is very close and always willing to lend their neighbour a helping hand. There's always a hello and thank you everywhere you go. I really hate to leave. I feel almost like we are leaving family."
The older gentlemen turned to the father and gave him a warm smile.
"You know, that's a lot like this small town".
Then the family returned to the car, said their thank you, waved goodbye and drove away.
After the family was in the distance, the granddaughter looked up at her grandfather and asked, "Grandpa, how come when the first man came into our town you told him it was a terrible place to live and when the family came in to town you told them it was a wonderful place to live?"
The grandfather lovingly looked down at his granddaughter's wondering blue eyes and said, "No matter where you move, you take your own attitude with you and that's what makes it terrible or wonderful".
It's your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude. Happiness is not something you find, it's something you create.
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A Few Truths
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Posted:Oct 29, 2007 1:21 am
Last Updated:Nov 3, 2007 8:32 pm 10664 Views
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No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.
Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.
Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
The biggest lie on the planet : "When I get what I want, I will be happy"
The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
Life is what's coming, not what was.
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If You Are In Attention
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Posted:Oct 28, 2007 6:42 am
Last Updated:Nov 3, 2007 8:33 pm 10500 Views
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The moment you are in TENSION
You will lose your ATTENTION
Then your are in total CONFUSION
and you'll feel IRRITATION
This may spoil your personal RELATIONS
Ultimately, you won't get COOPERATION
And get things into COMPLICATION
Then you may raise CAUTION
And you have to take MEDICATION
Why not try understanding the SITUATION
And try to think about the SOLUTION
Many problems will be solved by DISCUSSION
Which will work out better in your PROFESSION
Don't think this is a free SUGGESTION
It is only for your PREVENTION
If you understand my INTENTION
You'll never come again into TENSION!!!!
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4
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Present for husband
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Posted:Oct 22, 2007 2:05 am
Last Updated:Nov 3, 2007 8:34 pm 10914 Views
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A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you." And, what happen to my present?
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!!"
"Oh that" she said, "well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
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The Rib Story
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Posted:Oct 17, 2007 8:24 am
Last Updated:Nov 3, 2007 8:36 pm 10710 Views
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A girl in love asked her boyfriend,
Girl : Tell me. Who do you love most in this world?
Boy: You, of course!
Girl : In your heart, what am I to you?
Boy : The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and said, "You're my rib. It was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep, God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the womanof your life, you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."
After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while. However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems, their life became mundane. All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other. The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.
One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house. At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don't love me!" The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were neve my missing rib!". Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while. He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up. Before she left the house, "If I'm really not your missing rib, please let me go." She continued, "It is less painful this way. Let us go on our separeate ways and search for our own partners."
Five years went by ...
He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly. She had left the country and back. She had married a foreigner and divorced. He felt anguished that she never waited for him. In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigaretteand felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her.
One day, they finally met. At the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good byes. He was going away on abusiness trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently. Boy: How are you?
Girl : I'm fine. How about you? Have you found your missing rib?
Boy : No.
Girl : I'll be flying to New York in the next flight.
Boy : I'll be back in two weeks time. Give me a call when you are back. You know my number. Nothing has changed. With a smile, she turned around and waved good bye.
Good bye ....
One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York, in the event that shocked the world. Midnight, once again, he lit his cigarette. And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart. He finally know. She was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.
Sometime, people say things out of moments of fury. Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental. We vent out frustrations 99% at our loved one. And even though we know that we ought to "think twice and act wisely", it's often easier said than done.
Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control Let us treasure every moment and everyone in our lives.
Tomorrow may never come. Give and accept what you have today.
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As Long As ...........
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Posted:Oct 16, 2007 11:05 pm
Last Updated:Nov 3, 2007 8:39 pm 10399 Views
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As long as there's a breath left in your body,
there's hope.
As long as mankind has prowled the earth,
miracles have happened, restoring life and health.
As long as you have a loving heart,
God will send much warmth and love to you in return.
As long as you've been alive,
God has been watching over you and answering your prayers.
As long as the heaven and stars exist,
God will be there for you.
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